Regret

Of the apologies I penned, this was the one that hit the most, because the wound is still wide open despite what I or what's almost two years might think.  I feel like I'm cheating or being manipulative saying that there were tears streaming down my face as I wrote this, but I mean nothing by stating that fact, just that I know how much I messed up and that I've let it go on for far too long and that I should have fixed this a lot sooner - even though it's still not being fixed.  Doing so now would be selfish because while I might be ready, I'm not the only one involved.

There are many ways I fucked up with you and I'm not entirely sure where to start.  I could have reacted differently in the van between Walter and Mac that night, laid down the rules and made them crystal.  I know you'd have honored them. 

I could have kept my short-comings to myself rather than prey on your instability and affection.  I should never have initiated whatever it was we had, sharing a bed, regardless of how fond the memories are.  Had I had that willpower, had I not been looking out for my own interests and been able to admit my faults, I wouldn't have let you think it was your fault.  I would have admitted you were right, that the term "using" could be applied to the situation.  Even then, you were unfathomably stronger than me.  Had any of that been the case, I wouldn't have run away from you, blamed you when my bluff was called. 

In all honesty, I'm not sure if I've gotten that in check yet.  And because of it, I voluntarily slammed the door and set fire to the bridge leading to my best friend.  Demonized you when all you wanted was a reason, some semblance of why or, forbid, closure. 

I'm sorry I was the most horrible of friends and preyed on you in a time of greatest need.  I'm sorry I had the gall to let you think it was all your fault.  I'm sorry I ran away, hurling threats and accusations as you tried to follow in your confusion.  I'm sorry I betrayed your trust after pushing so hard for it.  I'm sorry I haven't been there for you through everything the past two years have thrown at you.  I'm sorry the first thing resembling contact was over something so stupid as someone out for revenge.  I'm sorry for clicking the like button by mistake and leaving you to deal with the heart attack and confusion without any sort of reference.  I'm sorry it took two years to write this, and longer before it's actually delivered.  I'm sorry I wasn't the friend you deserved, and for a million other things I did wrong that caused everything to go wrong.

I'd like to think I'm not that toxic person now.  I'd like to think that now I've acknowledged what I've done, I'll be more conscious of it to prevent another occurrence.  But I'm not confident in myself.  And I don't want to cause even more damage trying to make amends before I can promise a clean personality.

Apologies

Eventually you get to that point where all the things rattling around in your head demand to be let out.  That happened a few nights ago and I sat up through the wee hours with a composition book and a blue-inked pen, in a completely different location than I've been, spilling regrets from the past.

And I slept better than I have in months after doing so.

First. 

It all started with you, with the loner no one wanted around because he creeped them out.  I don't even remember how we happened, if track came as a catalyst or as a reaction.  It was just a movie, I thought, not a commitment.  The chocolate Skittles incident should have clued me in. 

But it didn't, or it couldn't override my inability to say no.  I've since fixed that problem of mine.  I know now how unfair that habit was.  We went on three months longer than we should have and the aftermath, the closure, even further beyond. 

I'm sorry that I was your introduction to the world of dating and completely destroyed your trust in people.  I'm sorry I wasn't more considerate of you or of myself.  I'm sorry I hadn't yet learned how to say no and used that as an excuse for the way I handled the end.  You deserved better.  Even if you handled it in your own flawed way.  I hope you have been able to heal.

Funny, transcribing these now, I don't feel they're as powerful as they were when I wrote them.  My guard is up again and I feel the need to make changes to remove more of the blame from myself.  That's something more to work on.

Second. 

I could say you seduced me.  It would be accurate enough.  But that most honest beginning is that I saw you as a savior, an upgrade, a way out.  And I jumped on the opportunity to fix someone.  You were everything my young, romantic self wanted - and much more than I deserved. 

I let you have your way because it was easier than speaking my mind and actually contributing to the relationship.  I let you make the mistake you did the first night in Oregon in October.  I made that mistake many, many times both before and after you. 

I'm sorry I couldn't see you for who and what you were when it mattered most.  I'm sorry I broke your heart because I lacked the willpower over what was newest and in need of the most help.  I'm sorry I broke your mother's heart as well.  Even my thick skull knew immediately that I'd lost more than once incredible person through those selfish actions.  I hope you have found someone who loves you and your quirks and your wonderful family.  I hope you've overcome the odds you were fighting when we were together.

That one felt more real, but maybe it's just the prospect of having them online that's making them seem off.  Maybe it's that they're harsh and cold typed in black and white rather than hand-written in blue cursive.

Third. 

I'm not ready to write an apology to you.  I think of all the mistakes I've made, it's the one I've apologized for most.  You were repetitively unmoved by anything, let alone logic.  You jumped at every possibility to make things worse, rather than looking for the truth.  You found patterns that didn't exist and treated them as absolute fact. 

I've come to the conclusion you'd been looking for an out for a while, and boy did I give you one.  If you weren't feeling it, you're allowed to say as much, rather than wait to blame the other party for the break up.  But then, you never were one to tell me what you wanted, regardless of how many times you made me tell you what I wanted.  I needed that, but I also needed to know your thoughts.  I'm sorry we had a disconnect in our communication.  I don't think that would have saved us, however. 

I hope you and Tina are happy together, that she understands you and you her.  I hope you found some sort of peace with your mother.  I hope your body ceases rebelling, at least to the point residing in it is tolerable.  I hope we can be friends again down the line, when you stop being an unreasonable child about how our final interactions played out.  How I use technology was my ultimate undoing in the end.

Of course, that last bit doesn't really fit with the title of this entry, but it's the sentiments that I want to get across.  I do harbor some hard feelings, but mostly, I'm at peace that we split.  I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect girlfriend you needed and that I opened the door for such a messy break.