There are many ways I fucked up with you and I'm not entirely sure where to start. I could have reacted differently in the van between Walter and Mac that night, laid down the rules and made them crystal. I know you'd have honored them.
I could have kept my short-comings to myself rather than prey on your instability and affection. I should never have initiated whatever it was we had, sharing a bed, regardless of how fond the memories are. Had I had that willpower, had I not been looking out for my own interests and been able to admit my faults, I wouldn't have let you think it was your fault. I would have admitted you were right, that the term "using" could be applied to the situation. Even then, you were unfathomably stronger than me. Had any of that been the case, I wouldn't have run away from you, blamed you when my bluff was called.
In all honesty, I'm not sure if I've gotten that in check yet. And because of it, I voluntarily slammed the door and set fire to the bridge leading to my best friend. Demonized you when all you wanted was a reason, some semblance of why or, forbid, closure.
I'm sorry I was the most horrible of friends and preyed on you in a time of greatest need. I'm sorry I had the gall to let you think it was all your fault. I'm sorry I ran away, hurling threats and accusations as you tried to follow in your confusion. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust after pushing so hard for it. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you through everything the past two years have thrown at you. I'm sorry the first thing resembling contact was over something so stupid as someone out for revenge. I'm sorry for clicking the like button by mistake and leaving you to deal with the heart attack and confusion without any sort of reference. I'm sorry it took two years to write this, and longer before it's actually delivered. I'm sorry I wasn't the friend you deserved, and for a million other things I did wrong that caused everything to go wrong.
I'd like to think I'm not that toxic person now. I'd like to think that now I've acknowledged what I've done, I'll be more conscious of it to prevent another occurrence. But I'm not confident in myself. And I don't want to cause even more damage trying to make amends before I can promise a clean personality.
Six years ago today you wrote this, and I have no idea how many times since I've found myself coming back here and reading it.
ReplyDeleteAt the time, you said you were 'detoxing, overhauling, finding flaws and dealing with them, and trying to become a better person.'
At the time, I believed that. I wanted to believe the genuineness of your reasoning.
Six years later, I don't believe a single word.
I look at it now, with everything that's happened between us, and can only come to the following conclusion: Bullshit.
All of it. Every single word. Absolute bullshit.
Based on what I know of you now and the person you've chosen to become, I can only read this not as someone looking to take any measure of accountability for the wounds that were inflicted. Not as an acknowledgment of pain inflicted based on inaccurate assumptions, presumptions, prejudicial conjecture or speculation.
No...I see this now as an extinguishing of conscience. A final attempt to expunge any feelings of guilt, responsibility, culpability or the acknowledged 'regret' you deigned to title this with.
I look at it and see all the future hypocrisies and contradictions sewn into practically every line. I see someone who seized upon another opportunity to manipulate and use me again for the purpose of gaining forgiveness.
And like the idiot I am...I gave you that forgiveness because I wanted the war to end.
I look at it now and see the gargantuan hole that I was willfully blind to when I first read it six years ago. For all your sorrys were willing to make, the most obvious omission stares me square in the face:
"I'm sorry I punished you so much for admitting you loved me and I'm sorry I wasn't capable of feeling the same way."
The worst part is knowing it was purely because my feelings for you changed from platonic to non-platonic, and all the anxiety and fear that came with already being in a state of manic, rampant, uncontrollable Depression and PTSD that it set us on the course for where we are now. That my owning up to that and trying to make it right only kept making things worse.
When last we spoke, the only thing I asked for from you was a chance for a dialogue. Nothing more. And you sat across from that table and lied to my face again by saying it was a possibility.
There was a time when we were close enough that we could sit in a room and be open and vulnerable with each other. Where I could reach out a hand and brush away the tears that ran down your cheek and I could to tell you the darkest secrets I carry and you put your arms around me and didn’t make me feel like a fool for daring to put my trust in you.
Where I once saw you as one of my best friends and one of those rare people who I cared about to say I genuinely loved, that is long, long gone.
At this moment, 3,241 miles separate where we stand - a gap so wide the Moon could fit within it...and it's not far enough.
I could be writing this from the Moon itself...and it wouldn't be far enough for me to feel any measure of peace.
What you are now is the single most intrusive thought that occupies my head.
I know that I will likely spend the rest of my life trying to undo the damage coming into contact with you has wrought. That I'll be taking medications and undergoing therapy like I am now to hopefully facilitate that process.
Not that that matters any more, of course. Not that anything I think, feel or say ever mattered to you.
Your mother was right all those years ago. You ARE a horrible person and not just because you used, manipulated, deceived, demonized, vilified and rejected me.
You're a horrible person because you took those few positive aspects of who I am and was and completely shattered them. Congratulations - you destroyed a human being, all because he grew to care about you more than ever he should have.
I will never make that mistake with anyone ever again and that…I will never forgive you for.