Blue Book 14

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to be more open with people, especially those I trust.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.

It was a bit of a wake-up call for the more oblivious part of me to experience the outpouring of people trying to take advantage of the "Katie's single" opportunity.  While I want to say I don't believe it until I see it with T, it makes sense.  I'm not certain and I don't want to be right, but it felt like the atmosphere with M changed after I offered to watch N.  S immediately offered to have movie/"lounge" days, but I haven't heard from him since saying I'm not available/not interested.  And of course D jumped on the opportunity of the new boxedthoughts not offering an ignore function to remind me he'll always love me.  I still don't see what everyone else seems to see about me, but I can't deny there's something.  I'm almost out of fingers on one hand to count how many have come flocking and it's beyond laughable.  It's disgusting.  And helped concrete my analyses of people.

Tomorrow:
-Send friend analysis
-Continue revisit list
-1-2 hours language
-One cthulhu

Blue Book 13

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to be more open with people, especially those I trust.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I am destroying my facades so I can just be me.

Getting close to anyone hurts from time to time.  Keeping people at a distance to lessen that hurt only keeps you from connecting and communicating with them.
-Sometimes it is good to hold some people at arms' length.  Sometimes doesn't translate to all the time, though, and some people doesn't translate to all people.

Don't be afraid to ask someone when you're unsure about something.  Most people would rather have everything out in the open.  Just because you're worried about offending them doesn't mean they'll be offended.  This is part of communicating.  Asking others about the situations only makes the original person feel apprehensive and makes the matter more convoluted.

Tomorrow:
-Grad present thank-yous
-Finalize + send friend analysis
-List of things to revisit
-Look up needs for FAFSA
-One cthulhu

Blue Book 12

Based on the last couple days, I am at the point I need to start seeking time with others to further stimulate my mind and hence this process.  I'm slowing down on my own.  That friend analysis and the me analysis are more important than ever now.

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth so it breaks my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to destroy my facades and just be me.

[This next bit isn't something I want to post, but it's something I need to post.  If I don't, I'll just bury it again and not make any progress.  And that's not an option.  It's bizarre how hard the small things hit, how much they're capable of dislodging.]

And that shows exactly how much you distance yourself emotionally.  It's been two weeks and it's finally sunk in.  It's been two weeks and this is pain - it was desperation before.  It's been two weeks and now is when you can't stop crying?
-Those facades are coming down, alright, and bringing the walls down with them.
-It's not healthy to be so distant.  It's not fair to you or to others to bury these things so deep.
-You really, really need to work at being more open, at not keeping your cards right up against your chest.  Or things like this are bound to continue happening regardless of what else you change.
-If you succeed in this process, this will be the one thing you regret most of the things you've done.  If you don't succeed, it will be one of a long chain of similar regrets.  There isn't much to think about there.  You need to fix yourself.

Tomorrow:
-Finalize analysis
-Start own analysis
-Grad present thank-yous
-Invites for Hachigoku
-Post character for Hachigoku
-One cthulhu

Blue Book 11

-I am becoming a better person.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I want to destroy my facades and just be me.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.

You're slipping back into a comfortable pattern.  You don't get that luxury yet.  Stop procrastinating.  Get doing.  When you say you're going to do something, you do it.

Tomorrow:
-Print out last forms
-Mail taxes + Pacific check
-Finish + finalize friend analysis
-Call the goddamn doctor
-Make a cthulhu
-Pay VISA bill

Blue Book 10

[observations omitted for later analysis, specifically because I don't want feedback on them yet]

The ring wasn't presented specifically to get him back, but to show where I was, a physical example that I really hadn't been thinking and that there was no intended malice in my actions.

I would rather have a friend and a consultant than nothing at all - and it was so much of a weight off my mind knowing where we stand.  I have a habit of going into full lockdown, expecting the worst in situations like this, and the interactions I was having conflicted with that.

What are the things that have happened in and shaped my life?  What would I tell someone who wanted to know my story?

How can I encourage my brain to process faster to engage more as things happen?

I need to do an analysis of myself like I am for him - now.  And in six months to a year, do another.  Ask people their impressions and understandings.

In what ways have I let myself down?  How can I prevent doing so again in the future?  What are my morals/ethics/code/etc. that I need to remember and adhere to?

Why do I like me as a person?  Why would I be friends with me?  What makes it difficult to decide if I want to be friends with me?

I'm mostly logical and somewhat closed-minded.  I need to add some amount of street smarts to my acquired book smarts to balance that and open myself up again.

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to stop and think before I act.
-I need to destroy my facades and just be me.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth so it breaks my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating to it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.

If you don't want to do something, just say so.  It might hurt someone's feelings, but it would hurt them more to have false feedback.  If you don't want to do something, don't do it.  Likewise, if you want to do something, just say it.  Don't assume the other person doesn't want to do it or that it isn't an option.

Stop giving in to hindsight.  It's 20/20, but it's doing very little for you right now.

My dominant sense is sound, likely followed by smell.  I feel things with my gut, but more often, I actually hear something, or my body's reaction to something is to listen.  When I feel something is off, I feel it through my ears.  What does this say about me?

My back flared up after the Friday meeting, very intensely, very quickly, and then it was gone.  I haven't had an issue since.  My knees and shins were also acting up prior and have also been fine since.
-Connection: The first time my back went out was my first week of college, after parting ways with my parents.  Pay attention to how it reacts while mending the wound.

I put a lot of belief in the power of jinxes, karma, etc.  It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it feels right.  Listen to that before committing to saying or doing things.

Actively find ways to participate, engage and get involved in social situations.  Try to be more extroverted and find the method that works for you.  Make an effort to show or express opinions and emotions.

Be a friend.  Be honest with people.  Tell them the things they need to hear, not necessarily what they want to hear.  It's difficult and not appreciated most of the time, but the people really worth being around will come around and accept that truth.

Allow yourself to forget the painful things, but only after you've dealt with them.

Blue Book 9

-I am becoming a better person.

-I need to slow down and think before I act.

-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.

-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habit.

-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.

-I need to destroy my facades and just be me.

I reread The Perks of Being a Wallflower today.  Third time reading it through and it hits different every time.  Goes along with that need to make a list of things to revisit, because that book is definitely on it.

"I was just trying to be a friend," I said.

"But you weren't, Charlie.  At those times, you weren't being his friend at all.  Because you weren't honest with him."

I'm a lot like Charlie, when it comes to emotions and particular events.  I shut them off or out.  I literally turn myself off, switch off my memory.  Things resurface slowly, when I reach for them.  Like the memory of squatting in my doorway, arms braced against the doorframe, mom kicking and clawing at me until dad pulled her off.  Or Jenny actively sabotaging two of my relationships because she wanted me - why would I forgive her and not them?  Or of Devin.  That's an apology I don't want to write.  But I will.

Sudden realization: People with D names just need to steer clear of me.  Clearly, we're not meant to get along.

It felt good to lose myself in making a character for Steve's rules playtest.  An anonymous play-by-post forum game sounds wonderful right now.  Something new to shake up old habits.

Enough of a break, though.  Tomorrow, I will finish that analysis.

Blue Book 8

-I am becoming a better person.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I want to destroy the facades I've built and just be me.
-I need to stop and think before I act.

Facebook does not allow you to block someone who has already blocked you.  I don't know how I feel about not having the power in that regard, mostly because he could choose to pop up whenever rather than allowing me to choose.

I am terrible at lightening the mood.  I need to figure out how to not be so somber.

I have been so lucky in this life.  I have had very few challenges.  I've had very few deaths to mourn.  I've never really had to want.  It's easy to be optimistic without those life experiences.  It's easy to tramp all over others' wounds.  Remember that, when you start to comfort, relate or otherwise force optimism on people.

The Meeting

They were late, but who am I to fault them for that.  There wasn't really an agenda of things to be spoken about.  She asked if there was anything I wanted or needed to say to her.  I apologized for my lack of thinking, for my failure to tell her what was happening despite having been warned before.  She made it clear that I am not to be alone with him without her express permission, which doesn't really matter, as it's not going to happen at all.  She said she doesn't care about casual group interaction or continued friendship.

He produced a ziplock full of negatives, cut up bits of pink and blue from all three models he shot while she was away.  He allowed me to inspect them.  I did not see any shreds of myself but I was satisfied.  We signed both copies of the contract.  I offered $20 to pay for the film wasted; he refused to take more than $10.  I was given change.

She asked if we were good, if I wanted a hug or something.  I was awkward trying to figure out how to ask if that was really something she wanted to do.  She explained that she felt better about this incident than the last: this was the worst possible thing that could have happened and so much damage and regret and self-reflection came from it that she knew we were over whatever else might happen.  I think forgiveness hurt more than resentment might have.

She and I hugged, and she made fun of my shortness.  She'd been joking through most of it.  He and I hugged, that one-armed thing, and he whispered he was sorry.  We parted ways.

I walked to Starbucks to settle and think a little.  I realized it was getting close to game-on and that there was the possibility of running into them again.  I headed back to the car and left.

At home, I went to remove him from my friends and discovered I had already been blocked.  It seems that Facebook doesn't allow you to block someone who has already blocked you.  I am really uncomfortable with that.  It means that the first blocker has all the power - specifically the ability to pop up whenever they want.  But nothing is ideal.  Just means I have to be ready for it.

The List

Better Person:

• Friend analysis + removal
• Reconnect with friends
• That other analysis
• Make list of things to revisit
• Make list of things worth caring about
• Mend the wound
• Set your boundaries
• Write the confidence rulebook
• Write apologies

General:

• Get up at 8a
• Finish updating craft blog
• Really start making stock
• Start going through stuff to get rid of
• Grad present thank yous
• Taxes/FAFSA
• Apply for scholarships/grants
• Look for internships
• Present proposal to Marita
• Send check to get diploma

Blue Book 7

First day I've been able to relay them all without flipping back to previous pages:
-I want to be a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to destroy the facades I've built and just be me.

Alright.  It's been a week.  You've identified flaws, ways to deal with them and things you need to do.  It's time to start doing them.  Make a list if you need to.  No, actually, just do it.  Lists make things easier.  Check things off as you go.  Remember that it is an on-going process and that life still goes on in the mean time.

Tomorrow:
-Make list
-Finish analysis (through M)
-Print out agreements
-Finish updating craft blog
-Finish 1 cthulhu
-Meeting

Blue Book 6

-I want to be a better person.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively practice and think about telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to destroy the facades I've built and just be me.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.

-I've never really given myself boundaries because I wanted to be a person people could feel comfortable talking about anything with.  That backfired.  I need to come up with things I will not talk about or do, and/or things I have to spend considerable time thinking about before committing to them, to give myself more solid ground and to prevent situations such as this one.  A list of flags, as it were.

-I will not try nalbinding coffee cozies until 10 cthulhus are done and ready for May, which cannot happen until I finish my eyebat pillow.  And even then, it will only be one cozy and then back to making crocheted stock.
-Eyebat is done!  It's been a year and eyebat is finally done!

-You don't give off a no vibe.  You're overly pleasant and open to things (save at parties, it seems).  You have to be obvious about your intentions to prevent others' obliviousness from getting you into unwanted situations or misunderstandings.

-You're quick to defend.  It's impossible to know exactly what people want or need to hear.  It's impractical to always give that to them.  Being upfront about your intentions will clarify these situations and prevent arguments/conversations/etc. that are larger or more complex than they need to be.  Immediate facts, not defense, are more effective.

Blue Book 5

-Seeds grow.  You need to get an answer regarding whether or not G set you up with the ring.  It will color the rest of your friendship otherwise.
-Thank the stars that wasn't the case.

-I want to be a better person.

-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.

-I need to actively practice and think about telling the truth to break my current habits.

-I need to actively think about and practice so it becomes habit.

-I need to slow down and think before I act.

-I want to destroy the facades I've hidden behind and just be me.

-Being upfront about certain things isn't what everyone needs.  Remember to be sensitive about others' feelings.

-You haven't considered yourself really and truly single for more than a month or two at a time since high school.  This time has been something you've needed for a long while.  I'm glad you're using it well.

-A key part of interacting with a lot of people has to do with saving face, gritting your teeth and bearing things that are unpleasant.  Remember the tip to treat these situations as though they occur at work.

-M&F don't seem to think that complete removal is necessary and don't seem open to alternating weeks at game.  Is attempting to not engage four hours a week going to jeopardize my attempts to fix this?  Will it leave the door open too much?  If everything else falls as I want but this, will there still be a problem?

-This is why I'll be away for at least a month.  Let things settle, let me figure myself out and strengthen my resolve on the things I change.  I think now that having minimal interaction in a group setting is work-able.  But time will tell.  I will revisit this later as it becomes more relevant.

-F is willing to sign the agreement, however, so that is one positive from the day.

Blue Book 4

-You've become bitter and jaded.  You've allowed others' pessimism and negativity to overtake your optimism and hope.  Neither belief set is completely right, but you have to stick to the one that works for you.

-You've allowed grudges to take root.  Most are for insignificant, petty or past-due offenses - even others' own resentments rather than your own.  Let go of them.  Don't be burdened by them.

-By all means, keep being a jack of all trades, but do work also on becoming a master of at least one.  Have the strength to commit to something - all the way.  Don't half-ass it.  Don't run and don't let go.

-New things and experiences are wonderful, but don't let them prevent you from returning to others that affected and shaped you.  Make a list of these things and revisit them.

-I want to be a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice communication so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I want to destroy the facades I built and hid behind and just be me.
-I need to actively practice telling the truth in different situations so it becomes habit.

What are my habits and activities?
-Nox-nixxed
-Game-pending
-reading
-crocheting
-watching Person of Interest, Elementary, HIMYM and MLP:FiM
For the future:
-exercising (track, biking, walking, just getting out)
-sunning (like dad, but without the sandal tan)
-early rising
-researching and working toward new skills
...I need more creation.  These are all very passive and non-interactive.

-Consider how you feel asking people questions.  Why are you most afraid to ask the ones pertaining to you/your happiness?  Get past that and ask.  Don't drag things out worrying and wondering.

-I am almost completely, 100% oblivious to everything that isn't blatantly stated or otherwise put out there, and to a handful of things that are.  That isn't conducive to living well and minding others and it's not an excuse for anything I get myself into.

-I stopped caring what people thought about me but took it too far in some cases and not enough in others.  I do care what others think about me, especially if it's going to affect more than myself.  I need to figure out what's worth caring about and what I can dismiss.

-You lied today, about having tried something to fix your laptop when you hadn't.  Why?  To end the conversation faster?  That's stupid.  People are less likely to continue if they've found something for you to try.  There was absolutely no point to that.  It was said without thought.  This is what you need to stop.  This is the habit that needs breaking.

-There's a lesson on sticking to your goals.  If you'd gone over at 11 a.m. like you decided you would, you would have gotten free yarn.  An hour later, you get nothing.  But you made the conscious decision to do other errands first along the way, so you planned at least.  It's not all bad.

-I've volunteered to watch Nenya if her parents find themselves in need of a sitter.  This I saw when I first got back home in January and just volunteered for it Friday.
-One of the things that's kept me from falling as fast as I think I would have is working with the kids during the summer.  I had great role models when I was a participant.  I want to continue to be one.  Kids are the easiest reminder that someone is relying on you - you can't ignore them, you can't put them off until later.  You have to figure them out and help them now.  As adults, we don't tend to do that with each other unless it's absolutely necessary.  And that's not saying that I'm putting myself out there for my own benefit, just that I know how I am in those situations and it's better.  It's a win-win.

Blue Book 3

-Goes alongside identifying toxic friends, or harmful/dangerous/stop-and-think friends as I've started using, but who are the people I consider okay that others might be uncomfortable with or uneasy with me spending time alone with?  Make a list, think about it and remember to communicate before leaping.
-I am uncomfortable labeling friends as potentially harmful because of others' uncertainties.  Doing so blindly is ill-informed.  This is a matter you ask opinions on and make the final decision regarding action on your own.

-I predict a full-blown return of my indecisiveness as a result of this process at some point.  Take preventative measures to avert this.

-This is still your life, no one else's, but you need to live it so as to not tax the others you share your life with unnecessarily.

-I want to be a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice communication so it becomes a habit.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I want to destroy the facades I've built and hidden behind and just be me.
-I need to actively practice telling the truth in different situations so it becomes habit.

To Do:
-Prepare information for Monday: agreement, negotiations, removal.

-Find a wider variety of things to occupy your time.  Part of the problem is that you get into habits and close yourself off to other opportunities and activities.  Not all habits are good ones.

Blue Book 2

-Write apologies to the people you have hurt.  Be honest, be humble.  You don't have to send all of them, but you must write them.

-Whoever decided self-confidence is the best thing ever was a moron.  Confidence is part of why this happened.  It doesn't come with a rulebook, SO MAKE ONE YOURSELF.

-I want to be a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to communicate.  I need to actively think about and practice communication so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I want to destroy the facades I've built and hidden behind.

-When I am cornered, I bend the truth and lie to lessen or avoid the damage.  Not anymore.

Fix-It List:
-Meeting
-Destroying photographs, getting written/signed agreement that all photos will never see the light of day, providing money for wasted materials
-Removal from my life:
-x-delete phone number
-x-delete email address (which I didn't know I had until I went through my address book to compose a list of friends)
-/-blocking on social networks (G+ done; FB outstanding for negotiations)
-x-stop going to Nox/KoC in general
--negotiate terms of both parties continuing to attend game with minimal to no interaction (alternating weeks or avoiding contact)

-Checking in and updating is going to become a crutch.  I will make a blog to make my thoughts and actions available without actively seeking out guidance in this process.  It's something I have to do.

-I need to start the process of mending the wound that triggered these behaviors.
--talk to mom about it
--talk to dad about it
--recall everything about the event, seek and give apologies and move forward as a family
--consider options for outside help if this doesn't work on my own

-I told someone more than a year ago that they were full of talk, that they needed to start walking.  Thinking doesn't feel a lot like walking in that sense, but for the purpose of figuring myself out, it is the walking.  Thinking and fixing.

First Iteration

There are several things I need to do to fix the problem I've created for myself and this is one of the most important ones.  I give certain types of trust too easily, I don't think more than a couple hours down the line at best and it's come back to bite me and people who care about me in the rear.  So I'm working on this to try and save what little face I can and protect my future and my reputation as much as possible.  It might be too late already.  I'm hoping it's not.  I still need to obtain the opinions and input of the other party involved.  Names and such have been omitted.

Written Agreement

Regarding thirty (30) print photographs plus all digital photographs of model taken by photographer on February 11, 2013 between 10:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.

All photographs and related materials are to be destroyed within three (3) days of signing; they are never to be shared, displayed or otherwise seen or obtained by anyone.  The model has the right to observe the destruction in order to ensure it is satisfactorily performed in accordance with the following terms of this agreement:

Print photographs, the negatives and/or film that produced the photographs are not to be shared in any way with anyone, including but not limited to: turning in as an assignment, gifting, being left where they can be found by others, scanning to digital format, etc.  They are not to be used for anything without the permission of the model.  Print photographs, the negatives and/or film that produced the photographs are to be permanently destroyed; they will be thoroughly shredded, burned, smashed and/or exposed to light to the point they are not recoverable.

Digital photographs and their files are not to be shared with anyone via Internet or mobile network, digital cloud, data drive, disc or other electronic or digital means in existence at the time of signing or in the future.  They are not to be used for anything without the permission of the model.  Digital photographs and their files are to be permanently deleted, to the point they are not recoverable, from the card on which they were saved, and any other location, physical or digital, to which they were transferred.

Violation of these terms will result in a legal suit over the misappropriation of the model’s image and/or likeness without permission.

The model is to provide adequate monetary compensation for film, chemicals and photo paper wasted as a result of these terms within three (3) days of signing.

Day One

Not of the process.  Day one of this problem.

Somewhere along the way, I lost the person I wanted to be.  Thinking this morning, I realized I could pinpoint the moment I stopped caring.  Talking with a friend, I admitted this thought and had a similar story shared with me.  I was told that I wasn't a horrible person, just one with outstanding wounds.  When that wound was inflicted was when I adopted the phrase, "do I care - not enough."  It was when I questioned the purpose of being a good person if I wasn't going to be credited for it by the person who claimed to love me unconditionally.

August 2008, I started attending Pacific University in Oregon.  After something like 15 hours in a car and a couple days setting up my dorm and going through orientation, tension with my parents - specifically my mother - were high.  The last thing on our to-do list was to pick up the books I'd need for my classes.  $600 later, we left the bookstore and were standing outside, looking at the Pacific Avenue side of campus.

My mother asked for a hug.  Dad had pulled me aside earlier that day and explained that she was having a hard time letting go and asked if I could do what she wanted just for another couple hours.  So I did.  I gave her a hug.  And she whispered in my ear, "you're a horrible person."

Despite the tension and the resentment, that statement still came out of nowhere.  So did the shouted accusations that came after it.  Whore.  You're free to fuck whoever you want now.  There were others.  Those are the ones that stuck.

Yes, I was in my first intimate relationship and yes, I was leaving the "nest."  There were grounds for the things she said.  I'd not been a perfect daughter, but I'd always tried to do the things she wanted, how she wanted and this was what I got in return.  This was what my attempt to be a good person warranted.

I didn't realize it then, and I'm not blaming her now, but that was the trigger.  That was when I stopped worrying so much about being the good person I'd been until then.  That was when I started letting myself slide more and more, both on other peoples' expectations and on my own.

Since then, I've driven my first roommate and one of my best friends away.  I've broken four hearts, three to the point I also destroyed the friendship that went with them.  I've drifted away from the groups I'd supported and contributed to.  I've given up asking permission in favor of asking forgiveness.  I've adopted a habit of bending the truth and lying to get out of or lessen punishment and damages when I'm caught doing something wrong or that will be interpreted as bad.  I've stopped thinking about the things I do and their consequences.

Day one was four years ago.  Four years this wound has festered and tainted so many aspects of myself.  Four years I've been inconsiderate of the people I claim to care about.  Four years I've been too bitter and too hurt to really give myself over to anyone.

And then I finally did, finally started giving my heart, and went and screwed up asking forgiveness.  Went and screwed up not thinking.  Went and screwed up lying.  Four years is well long enough to let that go unchecked.  Four years is well long enough to be a horrible person.  I don't want to be the one constantly hurting people.  I'm done.  I'm at the bottom.  It's time to make myself right again, be a good person again.  Someone I can be proud of.  Someone others can trust without a shadow of a doubt.

Hobey ho.

The Letter

After talking with the person I've hurt most recently, I realized just how low I'd sunk.  Examples were given of friends who instantly pointed out that what I've done was stupid.  Those hit hard, but nowhere near as hard as the realization that I was dragging others down with me.  I hadn't even thought about what my words would do to the reputation of my dad.

He's never been particularly close, but he's always been there for me.  Running me around when I had a date to keep.  Driving an hour out of his way to pick up a friend who missed her original flight.  Countless things.

And yet in my attempts at self-preservation, I threw him under the bus without any thought.  Bent the truth of his involvement with the situation and damaged his reputation.  I was alright bringing myself down.  I'm not alright dragging others down with me.  But it took me six hours to figure that out and make the move to make it right.  And that was really what brought me to where I am.

I've been reckless and inconsiderate and immature.  And that's not who I want to be.

So I wrote a letter explaining the truth of the situation, knowing full well it would expose how deceptive I had been, knowing full well that it might be the straw that broke the camel's back, knowing full well what I had to lose - and everything I had to gain from coming clean, everything I had to gain from letting go of that one outstanding untruth, everything it meant to me to not damage another person.

I don't trust me right now, so I hardly expect anyone else to.  I can insist that everything is out in the open, but the words would fall on rightfully untrusting ears.  I've been told by the professors I respect in both my majors that BS is our forte.  "You're a journalist, you should be able to BS forever" and "English majors are capable at creating BS at alarming rates."  Clearly, that was taken to heart.

Not anymore.  Lies and untruths and deception aren't a decent way to live.  It doesn't give me any sort of benefit.  It only serves to harm me and those affected by the things I say.  I'm done lying.  Being completely, 100% truthful may be considered impossible, but that is my goal.  Tell no lies until it's become habit to tell the truth.  And then consider reestablishing a relationship with the what others call little white lies.  Maybe.

Blue Book 1

Starting today, I will be carrying my little blue book.  As things strike me during the day, during the night, during the whenever, I will jot them down.  I will repeat things to drill them into my mind.  I will make to-do lists.  It's for me to take stock and keep order.  It's my place to think and remember.  It's my place to start healing, as will the entries added to this blog.

-I want to be a better person.
-I want to think through the things I do.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.
-I want to avoid drama as much as possible, causing it or getting involved in it.
-I want to show how intelligent I am.
-I want to give as much to others as they give to me, but not to the point I damage myself.

-I need to do damage control.  Today.
-I need to remove toxic relationships from my life, and minimize potentially harmful ones.
-I need to communicate better and more with the people around me.

-Secrets, intentional or otherwise, don't make or keep friends.

-There is nothing to be gained by hiding what I do.  Do things out loud and own them.
-There is nothing to be gained by avoiding conflict.  That it wrecks havoc on you isn't an excuse.

-Doing things is the only way to own something.  Don't do it tomorrow.  Don't do it someday.  Do it now.  But make sure you know what you're getting yourself into.  The only thing that delays doing is thinking.

-Explain the things you do or think.  Don't just vanish.
-Don't ask forgiveness.  Ask permission.  Check with the people who matter and the people you trust before jumping in.  Ask opinions.  You're not perfect.  Asking a second or third opinion never hurt.

-If you want to escape drama, don't act like you're in high school.  Don't act like the people in college.  Be a god-damned adult.

-Don't be afraid to get dirty.  Don't be afraid to get into the thick of things when you need to.

-And while we're at it, stop eating nothing.  Start exercising again.  It puts you in a much better place than hiding inside all day.  Get up early.  Be social.

-If you're comfortable, you're not doing enough.  Only be comfortable with the people you trust without a doubt.

Before doing something, ask yourself:
-what are my motives?
-what are their motives?
-what are the pros and cons of doing this?
-will this harm me now, down the line, or the relationships I care about?
-will this reflect poorly on myself or others?
-would I advise a friend against this?
-is this a good idea?
-have I considered all angles?

-Lying needs to stop.  You're not five.  Your white lies are bigger than they should be.  You only dig holes deeper.  Be honest.  Period.