Starting today, I will be carrying my little blue book. As things strike me during the day, during the night, during the whenever, I will jot them down. I will repeat things to drill them into my mind. I will make to-do lists. It's for me to take stock and keep order. It's my place to think and remember. It's my place to start healing, as will the entries added to this blog.
-I want to be a better person.
-I want to think through the things I do.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.
-I want to avoid drama as much as possible, causing it or getting involved in it.
-I want to show how intelligent I am.
-I want to give as much to others as they give to me, but not to the point I damage myself.
-I need to do damage control. Today.
-I need to remove toxic relationships from my life, and minimize potentially harmful ones.
-I need to communicate better and more with the people around me.
-Secrets, intentional or otherwise, don't make or keep friends.
-There is nothing to be gained by hiding what I do. Do things out loud and own them.
-There is nothing to be gained by avoiding conflict. That it wrecks havoc on you isn't an excuse.
-Doing things is the only way to own something. Don't do it tomorrow. Don't do it someday. Do it now. But make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. The only thing that delays doing is thinking.
-Explain the things you do or think. Don't just vanish.
-Don't ask forgiveness. Ask permission. Check with the people who matter and the people you trust before jumping in. Ask opinions. You're not perfect. Asking a second or third opinion never hurt.
-If you want to escape drama, don't act like you're in high school. Don't act like the people in college. Be a god-damned adult.
-Don't be afraid to get dirty. Don't be afraid to get into the thick of things when you need to.
-And while we're at it, stop eating nothing. Start exercising again. It puts you in a much better place than hiding inside all day. Get up early. Be social.
-If you're comfortable, you're not doing enough. Only be comfortable with the people you trust without a doubt.
Before doing something, ask yourself:
-what are my motives?
-what are their motives?
-what are the pros and cons of doing this?
-will this harm me now, down the line, or the relationships I care about?
-will this reflect poorly on myself or others?
-would I advise a friend against this?
-is this a good idea?
-have I considered all angles?
-Lying needs to stop. You're not five. Your white lies are bigger than they should be. You only dig holes deeper. Be honest. Period.
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