-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I want the things I do to have purpose. They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to destroy my facades and just be me.
I reread The Perks of Being a Wallflower today. Third time reading it through and it hits different every time. Goes along with that need to make a list of things to revisit, because that book is definitely on it.
"I was just trying to be a friend," I said.
"But you weren't, Charlie. At those times, you weren't being his friend at all. Because you weren't honest with him."
I'm a lot like Charlie, when it comes to emotions and particular events. I shut them off or out. I literally turn myself off, switch off my memory. Things resurface slowly, when I reach for them. Like the memory of squatting in my doorway, arms braced against the doorframe, mom kicking and clawing at me until dad pulled her off. Or Jenny actively sabotaging two of my relationships because she wanted me - why would I forgive her and not them? Or of Devin. That's an apology I don't want to write. But I will.
Sudden realization: People with D names just need to steer clear of me. Clearly, we're not meant to get along.
It felt good to lose myself in making a character for Steve's rules playtest. An anonymous play-by-post forum game sounds wonderful right now. Something new to shake up old habits.
Enough of a break, though. Tomorrow, I will finish that analysis.
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