I need to establish a baseline. I'm floundering and trying to figure out how to go about this. A baseline would be some level of conversation, hanging out, sharing things; just a general measure of being in each others' lives. You can't trust someone who isn't there.
Tomorrow:
-Make appointment
-Make FB group
-Bag up meds/chapstick
-Cozy blueprints
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Blue Book 18
-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to be more open and forward with people, especially those I trust.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice honesty so it becomes habit.
It was there, your opportunity to give up, say fine and walk away and hope it would work out. That was the opening you've been taking as of late. But you didn't. You stuck around and tried. You found how to continue with the conversation despite potential difficulty or conflict. It's felt like you haven't been doing much, but that's a definite sign changes are taking place.
You've also been trouble-shooting, helping others and asking for help. Prodding at Fanime (next steps: call, visit office, pester convention center), even if it's been unsuccessful so far. You've submitted at least four tech support tickets this week alone, opting to deal with people and fix a problem rather than letting it sit (Livemocha, Pokemon.com, Entertainment Weekly and one other not coming to mind...). You tried to guide Holly through fixing her laptop, which seems to have done the same thing Tiny Laptop did in Japan. Futile effort, but it helped keep her calm. You're DOING more.
Time to pick up the pace on the analysis. It needs to be done and at least in the beginning stages of discussion by the end of the month.
Tomorrow:
-Pie, because it's necessary
-Two cozies
-One Hungarian lesson
-Review to-do lists
-Exercise of some sort
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to be more open and forward with people, especially those I trust.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice honesty so it becomes habit.
It was there, your opportunity to give up, say fine and walk away and hope it would work out. That was the opening you've been taking as of late. But you didn't. You stuck around and tried. You found how to continue with the conversation despite potential difficulty or conflict. It's felt like you haven't been doing much, but that's a definite sign changes are taking place.
You've also been trouble-shooting, helping others and asking for help. Prodding at Fanime (next steps: call, visit office, pester convention center), even if it's been unsuccessful so far. You've submitted at least four tech support tickets this week alone, opting to deal with people and fix a problem rather than letting it sit (Livemocha, Pokemon.com, Entertainment Weekly and one other not coming to mind...). You tried to guide Holly through fixing her laptop, which seems to have done the same thing Tiny Laptop did in Japan. Futile effort, but it helped keep her calm. You're DOING more.
Time to pick up the pace on the analysis. It needs to be done and at least in the beginning stages of discussion by the end of the month.
Tomorrow:
-Pie, because it's necessary
-Two cozies
-One Hungarian lesson
-Review to-do lists
-Exercise of some sort
Friday, March 8, 2013
Friend Analysis
I finished going through the almost 300 people I know/consider friends/acquaintances earlier this week and finally removed almost 70 a couple days ago. It was really a great experience, not because I was dropping relationships that weren't healthy, but because letting go is something I've never been good at. I've always given more chances than people deserved, or just hoped that the relationship would magically become something better than it was. Part of learning how to move past that is letting go and that's why it felt so good to do this.
Out of 298 people:
-65 were dropped
-14 were identified as harmful
-43 were identified as beneficial
-18 were identified as keepers
Of the remaining 158:
-39 were neutral
-35 were from game
-36 were from work
-25 were family
-10 are on hold
-12 should be reconnected with
Those 158 whose reading wasn't clear enough to make a decision over are people I'll be looking at closer. A lot of the neutrals will probably end up being dropped. A good portion of the game, work and family groups will probably end up being dropped. I don't need to collect friends. I don't need to spread myself out trying to please people who will only take what is given and offer nothing in return.
What surprised me most was how many flat-out keeps there were. Aaron, Ashleigh, Ashley, Cecely, Chris G, Holly, Jazmin, Jessica, Josh, Katie, Misty, Mel, Noelle, Preston, Rachel, Renee, Steve, Weston. Six men, 12 women. Nine from college, three from high school, four from middle school, two from earlier. Eight I speak to on a regular/semi-regular basis, eight I speak to a couple times a year, two I need to reconnect with. Of these, I would consider four people I trust without question; two women and two men.
Going through this has taught me that I need to be more open with people, that a lot of the time they need to hear where they're screwing up and where they're doing great. It's reminded me that people can't read minds, no matter how heavily assumed such an ability is today.
Out of 298 people:
-65 were dropped
-14 were identified as harmful
-43 were identified as beneficial
-18 were identified as keepers
Of the remaining 158:
-39 were neutral
-35 were from game
-36 were from work
-25 were family
-10 are on hold
-12 should be reconnected with
Those 158 whose reading wasn't clear enough to make a decision over are people I'll be looking at closer. A lot of the neutrals will probably end up being dropped. A good portion of the game, work and family groups will probably end up being dropped. I don't need to collect friends. I don't need to spread myself out trying to please people who will only take what is given and offer nothing in return.
What surprised me most was how many flat-out keeps there were. Aaron, Ashleigh, Ashley, Cecely, Chris G, Holly, Jazmin, Jessica, Josh, Katie, Misty, Mel, Noelle, Preston, Rachel, Renee, Steve, Weston. Six men, 12 women. Nine from college, three from high school, four from middle school, two from earlier. Eight I speak to on a regular/semi-regular basis, eight I speak to a couple times a year, two I need to reconnect with. Of these, I would consider four people I trust without question; two women and two men.
Going through this has taught me that I need to be more open with people, that a lot of the time they need to hear where they're screwing up and where they're doing great. It's reminded me that people can't read minds, no matter how heavily assumed such an ability is today.
Blue Book 17
-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to be more open, forward and engaged with people, especially those I trust.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
I am not a reacher. I have never been a reacher, or else given up very quickly after dejection. I keep saying that I need to reconnect with people. I've always said that. It's been 2 years since I got back from Japan and I've not attempted to contact my host family once. If the people in your life mean anything to you, you have to show them that. You have to tell them, show them, engage with them. Just as you don't read minds, neither do they. Find things to talk about. Figure out how to keep the conversation going. If it dwindles, try, but don't force it. Try again another time to show dedication. You've been trying to simply say things without giving in to filters and fears. Keep doing that. Not saying anything, whatever the reason, isn't an option. Play up the things you think others don't find exciting. Express your joy in the things you love. Ask about the things you know they've been working toward. Seek people out, don't be sought out. Make it a race, even, if you need a boost to start.
Apparently blocking someone doesn't automatically unfriend them on Facebook. Not knowledge I think will ever be relevant to me, but still good to know. The unblocking also brought up the question of my opinions on blocking people. I don't like to unless it's something that absolutely needs done. Partially for the reason of giving the other person the chance to question why our friendship has faltered. Partially because I see it as a shut door - and if you're just going to keep opening and closing it, it loses value. I would rather simply avoid someone than block them out completely if it's not a super-major-huge offense because blocking sends that message of finality. And even if other people don't see it that way, I do, and that's how I'll continue to operate with it.
Tomorrow:
-Analysis stats
-Finish cthulhu 10, update blog
-1-2 hours Hungarian
-First attempt at nalbinding?
-I need to be more open, forward and engaged with people, especially those I trust.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
I am not a reacher. I have never been a reacher, or else given up very quickly after dejection. I keep saying that I need to reconnect with people. I've always said that. It's been 2 years since I got back from Japan and I've not attempted to contact my host family once. If the people in your life mean anything to you, you have to show them that. You have to tell them, show them, engage with them. Just as you don't read minds, neither do they. Find things to talk about. Figure out how to keep the conversation going. If it dwindles, try, but don't force it. Try again another time to show dedication. You've been trying to simply say things without giving in to filters and fears. Keep doing that. Not saying anything, whatever the reason, isn't an option. Play up the things you think others don't find exciting. Express your joy in the things you love. Ask about the things you know they've been working toward. Seek people out, don't be sought out. Make it a race, even, if you need a boost to start.
Apparently blocking someone doesn't automatically unfriend them on Facebook. Not knowledge I think will ever be relevant to me, but still good to know. The unblocking also brought up the question of my opinions on blocking people. I don't like to unless it's something that absolutely needs done. Partially for the reason of giving the other person the chance to question why our friendship has faltered. Partially because I see it as a shut door - and if you're just going to keep opening and closing it, it loses value. I would rather simply avoid someone than block them out completely if it's not a super-major-huge offense because blocking sends that message of finality. And even if other people don't see it that way, I do, and that's how I'll continue to operate with it.
Tomorrow:
-1-2 hours Hungarian
-First attempt at nalbinding?
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
To Revisit
Things I've experienced that have really meant something to or changed me that I haven't experienced recently, that I would like to pick up again. I don't know exactly what I want to get out of it, but I imagine it would mostly be an experiment about putting myself back in that mindset, sort of resetting, and seeing what my reaction is now, years later.
Shows:
Ranma 1/2
Yu Yu Hakusho
Fullmetal Alchemist
Death Note
Books:
Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer
View from the Mirror by Ian Irvine
Pendragon by D.J. MacHale
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
Movies:
The Wizard of Oz
Jurassic Park
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
To End All Wars
Usual Suspects
Finding Forrester
Dead Poets Society
Good Morning Vietnam
Music:
'80s pop
Backstreet Boys
M2M
Dido
Anna Nalick
YYH themes + OSTs
Games:
Pokemon Yellow
Pokemon Silver
Pokemon Sapphire
King's Game
Activities:
Running
Skyhigh
Mini golf
Baking
Writing
Pool party
Visiting the library
Event planning/organizing
Shows:
Ranma 1/2
Yu Yu Hakusho
Fullmetal Alchemist
Death Note
Books:
Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer
View from the Mirror by Ian Irvine
Pendragon by D.J. MacHale
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
Movies:
The Wizard of Oz
Jurassic Park
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
To End All Wars
Usual Suspects
Finding Forrester
Dead Poets Society
Good Morning Vietnam
Music:
'80s pop
Backstreet Boys
M2M
Dido
Anna Nalick
YYH themes + OSTs
Games:
Pokemon Yellow
Pokemon Silver
Pokemon Sapphire
King's Game
Activities:
Running
Skyhigh
Mini golf
Baking
Writing
Pool party
Visiting the library
Event planning/organizing
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Blue Book 16
-I am becoming a better me, and in turn a better person.
-I need to be more open and forward with people, especially those I trust.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they're thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
Beyond keeping this book to help you through this process, it would probably be a good idea to have some sort of notebook on you in general. You have a habit of talking to yourself, talking through thoughts and emotions to come to a necessary conclusion, but then are only left with that conclusion and not the logic that led to it. Keep a notebook on hand to catch that as it happens for later use communicating.
You've gotten back to the stage where it feels like it's your job to fix everything and everyone. It's not. People need to fix themselves and not all problems are yours to fix, though it isn't all bad to offer assistance.
Part of how you stopped caring was to stop paying attention to the details that matter. You take in so much information, but it's usually little things that aren't worthwhile. Try to weed out the details that are useful to remember. Start by breaking the habit of having to see what every moving thing is in order to take inventory of your surroundings and focus instead on the person or people you're with or the event you're attending. Save the surroundings vigilance for when you're working with kids.
Tomorrow:
-Doctor
-1-2 hours language
-Finish revisit list
-Remove 'gone' friends
-One cthulhu
-I need to be more open and forward with people, especially those I trust.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they're thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
Beyond keeping this book to help you through this process, it would probably be a good idea to have some sort of notebook on you in general. You have a habit of talking to yourself, talking through thoughts and emotions to come to a necessary conclusion, but then are only left with that conclusion and not the logic that led to it. Keep a notebook on hand to catch that as it happens for later use communicating.
You've gotten back to the stage where it feels like it's your job to fix everything and everyone. It's not. People need to fix themselves and not all problems are yours to fix, though it isn't all bad to offer assistance.
Part of how you stopped caring was to stop paying attention to the details that matter. You take in so much information, but it's usually little things that aren't worthwhile. Try to weed out the details that are useful to remember. Start by breaking the habit of having to see what every moving thing is in order to take inventory of your surroundings and focus instead on the person or people you're with or the event you're attending. Save the surroundings vigilance for when you're working with kids.
Tomorrow:
-Doctor
-1-2 hours language
-Finish revisit list
-Remove 'gone' friends
-One cthulhu
Friday, March 1, 2013
Blue Book 15
-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to be more open to people, especially those I trust.
-I want the things I do to have purpose. They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
Courtesy is initially a good thing, but people have to keep earning it. You end up wasting effort on people who will never return the favor otherwise.
It felt really good to start Hungarian today. it wasn't much and it's not nearly memorized yet, but it's something I'm doing to make myself more worthwhile in the world.
-Check out available free online classes, this will help you keep learning and give your days more structure and purpose.
-If Emerson doesn't want you, sign up for San Jose Taiko's fall class.
You can give people second chances, but it's what they do with those chances that should determine how you react toward them in the future.
K is very anxious, somewhat reckless and very judgmental. She feels like a more sophisticated Emi now. An okay person to talk to but not someone to get too close to.
I am timid and don't do a lot of things because of perceived barriers. I also consider the situation I'm in and the pros and cons of doing something before committing, and sometimes that means not doing something. I do need to work on pushing harder for the things I want to do, but not to the point of making others uncomfortable, as was the case tonight.
-I need to be more open to people, especially those I trust.
-I want the things I do to have purpose. They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
Courtesy is initially a good thing, but people have to keep earning it. You end up wasting effort on people who will never return the favor otherwise.
It felt really good to start Hungarian today. it wasn't much and it's not nearly memorized yet, but it's something I'm doing to make myself more worthwhile in the world.
-Check out available free online classes, this will help you keep learning and give your days more structure and purpose.
-If Emerson doesn't want you, sign up for San Jose Taiko's fall class.
You can give people second chances, but it's what they do with those chances that should determine how you react toward them in the future.
K is very anxious, somewhat reckless and very judgmental. She feels like a more sophisticated Emi now. An okay person to talk to but not someone to get too close to.
I am timid and don't do a lot of things because of perceived barriers. I also consider the situation I'm in and the pros and cons of doing something before committing, and sometimes that means not doing something. I do need to work on pushing harder for the things I want to do, but not to the point of making others uncomfortable, as was the case tonight.
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