Regret

Of the apologies I penned, this was the one that hit the most, because the wound is still wide open despite what I or what's almost two years might think.  I feel like I'm cheating or being manipulative saying that there were tears streaming down my face as I wrote this, but I mean nothing by stating that fact, just that I know how much I messed up and that I've let it go on for far too long and that I should have fixed this a lot sooner - even though it's still not being fixed.  Doing so now would be selfish because while I might be ready, I'm not the only one involved.

There are many ways I fucked up with you and I'm not entirely sure where to start.  I could have reacted differently in the van between Walter and Mac that night, laid down the rules and made them crystal.  I know you'd have honored them. 

I could have kept my short-comings to myself rather than prey on your instability and affection.  I should never have initiated whatever it was we had, sharing a bed, regardless of how fond the memories are.  Had I had that willpower, had I not been looking out for my own interests and been able to admit my faults, I wouldn't have let you think it was your fault.  I would have admitted you were right, that the term "using" could be applied to the situation.  Even then, you were unfathomably stronger than me.  Had any of that been the case, I wouldn't have run away from you, blamed you when my bluff was called. 

In all honesty, I'm not sure if I've gotten that in check yet.  And because of it, I voluntarily slammed the door and set fire to the bridge leading to my best friend.  Demonized you when all you wanted was a reason, some semblance of why or, forbid, closure. 

I'm sorry I was the most horrible of friends and preyed on you in a time of greatest need.  I'm sorry I had the gall to let you think it was all your fault.  I'm sorry I ran away, hurling threats and accusations as you tried to follow in your confusion.  I'm sorry I betrayed your trust after pushing so hard for it.  I'm sorry I haven't been there for you through everything the past two years have thrown at you.  I'm sorry the first thing resembling contact was over something so stupid as someone out for revenge.  I'm sorry for clicking the like button by mistake and leaving you to deal with the heart attack and confusion without any sort of reference.  I'm sorry it took two years to write this, and longer before it's actually delivered.  I'm sorry I wasn't the friend you deserved, and for a million other things I did wrong that caused everything to go wrong.

I'd like to think I'm not that toxic person now.  I'd like to think that now I've acknowledged what I've done, I'll be more conscious of it to prevent another occurrence.  But I'm not confident in myself.  And I don't want to cause even more damage trying to make amends before I can promise a clean personality.

Apologies

Eventually you get to that point where all the things rattling around in your head demand to be let out.  That happened a few nights ago and I sat up through the wee hours with a composition book and a blue-inked pen, in a completely different location than I've been, spilling regrets from the past.

And I slept better than I have in months after doing so.

First. 

It all started with you, with the loner no one wanted around because he creeped them out.  I don't even remember how we happened, if track came as a catalyst or as a reaction.  It was just a movie, I thought, not a commitment.  The chocolate Skittles incident should have clued me in. 

But it didn't, or it couldn't override my inability to say no.  I've since fixed that problem of mine.  I know now how unfair that habit was.  We went on three months longer than we should have and the aftermath, the closure, even further beyond. 

I'm sorry that I was your introduction to the world of dating and completely destroyed your trust in people.  I'm sorry I wasn't more considerate of you or of myself.  I'm sorry I hadn't yet learned how to say no and used that as an excuse for the way I handled the end.  You deserved better.  Even if you handled it in your own flawed way.  I hope you have been able to heal.

Funny, transcribing these now, I don't feel they're as powerful as they were when I wrote them.  My guard is up again and I feel the need to make changes to remove more of the blame from myself.  That's something more to work on.

Second. 

I could say you seduced me.  It would be accurate enough.  But that most honest beginning is that I saw you as a savior, an upgrade, a way out.  And I jumped on the opportunity to fix someone.  You were everything my young, romantic self wanted - and much more than I deserved. 

I let you have your way because it was easier than speaking my mind and actually contributing to the relationship.  I let you make the mistake you did the first night in Oregon in October.  I made that mistake many, many times both before and after you. 

I'm sorry I couldn't see you for who and what you were when it mattered most.  I'm sorry I broke your heart because I lacked the willpower over what was newest and in need of the most help.  I'm sorry I broke your mother's heart as well.  Even my thick skull knew immediately that I'd lost more than once incredible person through those selfish actions.  I hope you have found someone who loves you and your quirks and your wonderful family.  I hope you've overcome the odds you were fighting when we were together.

That one felt more real, but maybe it's just the prospect of having them online that's making them seem off.  Maybe it's that they're harsh and cold typed in black and white rather than hand-written in blue cursive.

Third. 

I'm not ready to write an apology to you.  I think of all the mistakes I've made, it's the one I've apologized for most.  You were repetitively unmoved by anything, let alone logic.  You jumped at every possibility to make things worse, rather than looking for the truth.  You found patterns that didn't exist and treated them as absolute fact. 

I've come to the conclusion you'd been looking for an out for a while, and boy did I give you one.  If you weren't feeling it, you're allowed to say as much, rather than wait to blame the other party for the break up.  But then, you never were one to tell me what you wanted, regardless of how many times you made me tell you what I wanted.  I needed that, but I also needed to know your thoughts.  I'm sorry we had a disconnect in our communication.  I don't think that would have saved us, however. 

I hope you and Tina are happy together, that she understands you and you her.  I hope you found some sort of peace with your mother.  I hope your body ceases rebelling, at least to the point residing in it is tolerable.  I hope we can be friends again down the line, when you stop being an unreasonable child about how our final interactions played out.  How I use technology was my ultimate undoing in the end.

Of course, that last bit doesn't really fit with the title of this entry, but it's the sentiments that I want to get across.  I do harbor some hard feelings, but mostly, I'm at peace that we split.  I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect girlfriend you needed and that I opened the door for such a messy break.

Trust 1

I need to establish a baseline.  I'm floundering and trying to figure out how to go about this.  A baseline would be some level of conversation, hanging out, sharing things; just a general measure of being in each others' lives.  You can't trust someone who isn't there.

Tomorrow:
-Make appointment
-Make FB group
-Bag up meds/chapstick
-Cozy blueprints

Blue Book 18

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to be more open and forward with people, especially those I trust.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice honesty so it becomes habit.

It was there, your opportunity to give up, say fine and walk away and hope it would work out.  That was the opening you've been taking as of late.  But you didn't.  You stuck around and tried.  You found how to continue with the conversation despite potential difficulty or conflict.  It's felt like you haven't been doing much, but that's a definite sign changes are taking place.

You've also been trouble-shooting, helping others and asking for help.  Prodding at Fanime (next steps: call, visit office, pester convention center), even if it's been unsuccessful so far.  You've submitted at least four  tech support tickets this week alone, opting to deal with people and fix a problem rather than letting it sit (Livemocha, Pokemon.com, Entertainment Weekly and one other not coming to mind...).  You tried to guide Holly through fixing her laptop, which seems to have done the same thing Tiny Laptop did in Japan.  Futile effort, but it helped keep her calm.  You're DOING more.

Time to pick up the pace on the analysis.  It needs to be done and at least in the beginning stages of discussion by the end of the month.

Tomorrow:
-Pie, because it's necessary
-Two cozies
-One Hungarian lesson
-Review to-do lists
-Exercise of some sort

Friend Analysis

I finished going through the almost 300 people I know/consider friends/acquaintances earlier this week and finally removed almost 70 a couple days ago.  It was really a great experience, not because I was dropping relationships that weren't healthy, but because letting go is something I've never been good at.  I've always given more chances than people deserved, or just hoped that the relationship would magically become something better than it was.  Part of learning how to move past that is letting go and that's why it felt so good to do this.

Out of 298 people:
-65 were dropped
-14 were identified as harmful
-43 were identified as beneficial
-18 were identified as keepers

Of the remaining 158:
-39 were neutral
-35 were from game
-36 were from work
-25 were family
-10 are on hold
-12 should be reconnected with

Those 158 whose reading wasn't clear enough to make a decision over are people I'll be looking at closer.  A lot of the neutrals will probably end up being dropped.  A good portion of the game, work and family groups will probably end up being dropped.  I don't need to collect friends.  I don't need to spread myself out trying to please people who will only take what is given and offer nothing in return.

What surprised me most was how many flat-out keeps there were.  Aaron, Ashleigh, Ashley, Cecely, Chris G, Holly, Jazmin, Jessica, Josh, Katie, Misty, Mel, Noelle, Preston, Rachel, Renee, Steve, Weston.  Six men, 12 women.  Nine from college, three from high school, four from middle school, two from earlier.  Eight I speak to on a regular/semi-regular basis, eight I speak to a couple times a year, two I need to reconnect with.  Of these, I would consider four people I trust without question; two women and two men.

Going through this has taught me that I need to be more open with people, that a lot of the time they need to hear where they're screwing up and where they're doing great.  It's reminded me that people can't read minds, no matter how heavily assumed such an ability is today.

Blue Book 17

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to be more open, forward and engaged with people, especially those I trust.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.

I am not a reacher.  I have never been a reacher, or else given up very quickly after dejection.  I keep saying that I need to reconnect with people.  I've always said that.  It's been 2 years since I got back from Japan and I've not attempted to contact my host family once.  If the people in your life mean anything to you, you have to show them that.  You have to tell them, show them, engage with them.  Just as you don't read minds, neither do they.  Find things to talk about.  Figure out how to keep the conversation going.  If it dwindles, try, but don't force it.  Try again another time to show dedication.  You've been trying to simply say things without giving in to filters and fears.  Keep doing that.  Not saying anything, whatever the reason, isn't an option.  Play up the things you think others don't find exciting.  Express your joy in the things you love.  Ask about the things you know they've been working toward.  Seek people out, don't be sought out.  Make it a race, even, if you need a boost to start.

Apparently blocking someone doesn't automatically unfriend them on Facebook.  Not knowledge I think will ever be relevant to me, but still good to know.  The unblocking also brought up the question of my opinions on blocking people.  I don't like to unless it's something that absolutely needs done.  Partially for the reason of giving the other person the chance to question why our friendship has faltered.  Partially because I see it as a shut door - and if you're just going to keep opening and closing it, it loses value.  I would rather simply avoid someone than block them out completely if it's not a super-major-huge offense because blocking sends that message of finality.  And even if other people don't see it that way, I do, and that's how I'll continue to operate with it.

Tomorrow:
-Analysis stats
-Finish cthulhu 10, update blog
-1-2 hours Hungarian
-First attempt at nalbinding?

To Revisit

Things I've experienced that have really meant something to or changed me that I haven't experienced recently, that I would like to pick up again.  I don't know exactly what I want to get out of it, but I imagine it would mostly be an experiment about putting myself back in that mindset, sort of resetting, and seeing what my reaction is now, years later.

Shows:
Ranma 1/2
Yu Yu Hakusho
Fullmetal Alchemist
Death Note

Books:
Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer
View from the Mirror by Ian Irvine
Pendragon by D.J. MacHale
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Movies:
The Wizard of Oz
Jurassic Park
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
To End All Wars
Usual Suspects
Finding Forrester
Dead Poets Society
Good Morning Vietnam

Music:
'80s pop
Backstreet Boys
M2M
Dido
Anna Nalick
YYH themes + OSTs

Games:
Pokemon Yellow
Pokemon Silver
Pokemon Sapphire
King's Game

Activities:
Running
Skyhigh
Mini golf
Baking
Writing
Pool party
Visiting the library
Event planning/organizing

Blue Book 16

-I am becoming a better me, and in turn a better person.
-I need to be more open and forward with people, especially those I trust.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they're thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.

Beyond keeping this book to help you through this process, it would probably be a good idea to have some sort of notebook on you in general.  You have a habit of talking to yourself, talking through thoughts and emotions to come to a necessary conclusion, but then are only left with that conclusion and not the logic that led to it.  Keep a notebook on hand to catch that as it happens for later use communicating.

You've gotten back to the stage where it feels like it's your job to fix everything and everyone.  It's not.  People need to fix themselves and not all problems are yours to fix, though it isn't all bad to offer assistance.

Part of how you stopped caring was to stop paying attention to the details that matter.  You take in so much information, but it's usually little things that aren't worthwhile.  Try to weed out the details that are useful to remember.  Start by breaking the habit of having to see what every moving thing is in order to take inventory of your surroundings and focus instead on the person or people you're with or the event you're attending.  Save the surroundings vigilance for when you're working with kids.

Tomorrow:
-Doctor
-1-2 hours language
-Finish revisit list
-Remove 'gone' friends
-One cthulhu

Blue Book 15

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to be more open to people, especially those I trust.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.

Courtesy is initially a good thing, but people have to keep earning it.  You end up wasting effort on people who will never return the favor otherwise.

It felt really good to start Hungarian today.  it wasn't much and it's not nearly memorized yet, but it's something I'm doing to make myself more worthwhile in the world.
-Check out available free online classes, this will help you keep learning and give your days more structure and purpose.
-If Emerson doesn't want you, sign up for San Jose Taiko's fall class.

You can give people second chances, but it's what they do with those chances that should determine how you react toward them in the future.

K is very anxious, somewhat reckless and very judgmental.  She feels like a more sophisticated Emi now.  An okay person to talk to but not someone to get too close to.

I am timid and don't do a lot of things because of perceived barriers.  I also consider the situation I'm in and the pros and cons of doing something before committing, and sometimes that means not doing something.  I do need to work on pushing harder for the things I want to do, but not to the point of making others uncomfortable, as was the case tonight.

Blue Book 14

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to be more open with people, especially those I trust.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.

It was a bit of a wake-up call for the more oblivious part of me to experience the outpouring of people trying to take advantage of the "Katie's single" opportunity.  While I want to say I don't believe it until I see it with T, it makes sense.  I'm not certain and I don't want to be right, but it felt like the atmosphere with M changed after I offered to watch N.  S immediately offered to have movie/"lounge" days, but I haven't heard from him since saying I'm not available/not interested.  And of course D jumped on the opportunity of the new boxedthoughts not offering an ignore function to remind me he'll always love me.  I still don't see what everyone else seems to see about me, but I can't deny there's something.  I'm almost out of fingers on one hand to count how many have come flocking and it's beyond laughable.  It's disgusting.  And helped concrete my analyses of people.

Tomorrow:
-Send friend analysis
-Continue revisit list
-1-2 hours language
-One cthulhu

Blue Book 13

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to be more open with people, especially those I trust.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I am destroying my facades so I can just be me.

Getting close to anyone hurts from time to time.  Keeping people at a distance to lessen that hurt only keeps you from connecting and communicating with them.
-Sometimes it is good to hold some people at arms' length.  Sometimes doesn't translate to all the time, though, and some people doesn't translate to all people.

Don't be afraid to ask someone when you're unsure about something.  Most people would rather have everything out in the open.  Just because you're worried about offending them doesn't mean they'll be offended.  This is part of communicating.  Asking others about the situations only makes the original person feel apprehensive and makes the matter more convoluted.

Tomorrow:
-Grad present thank-yous
-Finalize + send friend analysis
-List of things to revisit
-Look up needs for FAFSA
-One cthulhu

Blue Book 12

Based on the last couple days, I am at the point I need to start seeking time with others to further stimulate my mind and hence this process.  I'm slowing down on my own.  That friend analysis and the me analysis are more important than ever now.

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth so it breaks my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to destroy my facades and just be me.

[This next bit isn't something I want to post, but it's something I need to post.  If I don't, I'll just bury it again and not make any progress.  And that's not an option.  It's bizarre how hard the small things hit, how much they're capable of dislodging.]

And that shows exactly how much you distance yourself emotionally.  It's been two weeks and it's finally sunk in.  It's been two weeks and this is pain - it was desperation before.  It's been two weeks and now is when you can't stop crying?
-Those facades are coming down, alright, and bringing the walls down with them.
-It's not healthy to be so distant.  It's not fair to you or to others to bury these things so deep.
-You really, really need to work at being more open, at not keeping your cards right up against your chest.  Or things like this are bound to continue happening regardless of what else you change.
-If you succeed in this process, this will be the one thing you regret most of the things you've done.  If you don't succeed, it will be one of a long chain of similar regrets.  There isn't much to think about there.  You need to fix yourself.

Tomorrow:
-Finalize analysis
-Start own analysis
-Grad present thank-yous
-Invites for Hachigoku
-Post character for Hachigoku
-One cthulhu

Blue Book 11

-I am becoming a better person.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I want to destroy my facades and just be me.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.

You're slipping back into a comfortable pattern.  You don't get that luxury yet.  Stop procrastinating.  Get doing.  When you say you're going to do something, you do it.

Tomorrow:
-Print out last forms
-Mail taxes + Pacific check
-Finish + finalize friend analysis
-Call the goddamn doctor
-Make a cthulhu
-Pay VISA bill

Blue Book 10

[observations omitted for later analysis, specifically because I don't want feedback on them yet]

The ring wasn't presented specifically to get him back, but to show where I was, a physical example that I really hadn't been thinking and that there was no intended malice in my actions.

I would rather have a friend and a consultant than nothing at all - and it was so much of a weight off my mind knowing where we stand.  I have a habit of going into full lockdown, expecting the worst in situations like this, and the interactions I was having conflicted with that.

What are the things that have happened in and shaped my life?  What would I tell someone who wanted to know my story?

How can I encourage my brain to process faster to engage more as things happen?

I need to do an analysis of myself like I am for him - now.  And in six months to a year, do another.  Ask people their impressions and understandings.

In what ways have I let myself down?  How can I prevent doing so again in the future?  What are my morals/ethics/code/etc. that I need to remember and adhere to?

Why do I like me as a person?  Why would I be friends with me?  What makes it difficult to decide if I want to be friends with me?

I'm mostly logical and somewhat closed-minded.  I need to add some amount of street smarts to my acquired book smarts to balance that and open myself up again.

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to stop and think before I act.
-I need to destroy my facades and just be me.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth so it breaks my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating to it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.

If you don't want to do something, just say so.  It might hurt someone's feelings, but it would hurt them more to have false feedback.  If you don't want to do something, don't do it.  Likewise, if you want to do something, just say it.  Don't assume the other person doesn't want to do it or that it isn't an option.

Stop giving in to hindsight.  It's 20/20, but it's doing very little for you right now.

My dominant sense is sound, likely followed by smell.  I feel things with my gut, but more often, I actually hear something, or my body's reaction to something is to listen.  When I feel something is off, I feel it through my ears.  What does this say about me?

My back flared up after the Friday meeting, very intensely, very quickly, and then it was gone.  I haven't had an issue since.  My knees and shins were also acting up prior and have also been fine since.
-Connection: The first time my back went out was my first week of college, after parting ways with my parents.  Pay attention to how it reacts while mending the wound.

I put a lot of belief in the power of jinxes, karma, etc.  It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it feels right.  Listen to that before committing to saying or doing things.

Actively find ways to participate, engage and get involved in social situations.  Try to be more extroverted and find the method that works for you.  Make an effort to show or express opinions and emotions.

Be a friend.  Be honest with people.  Tell them the things they need to hear, not necessarily what they want to hear.  It's difficult and not appreciated most of the time, but the people really worth being around will come around and accept that truth.

Allow yourself to forget the painful things, but only after you've dealt with them.

Blue Book 9

-I am becoming a better person.

-I need to slow down and think before I act.

-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.

-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habit.

-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.

-I need to destroy my facades and just be me.

I reread The Perks of Being a Wallflower today.  Third time reading it through and it hits different every time.  Goes along with that need to make a list of things to revisit, because that book is definitely on it.

"I was just trying to be a friend," I said.

"But you weren't, Charlie.  At those times, you weren't being his friend at all.  Because you weren't honest with him."

I'm a lot like Charlie, when it comes to emotions and particular events.  I shut them off or out.  I literally turn myself off, switch off my memory.  Things resurface slowly, when I reach for them.  Like the memory of squatting in my doorway, arms braced against the doorframe, mom kicking and clawing at me until dad pulled her off.  Or Jenny actively sabotaging two of my relationships because she wanted me - why would I forgive her and not them?  Or of Devin.  That's an apology I don't want to write.  But I will.

Sudden realization: People with D names just need to steer clear of me.  Clearly, we're not meant to get along.

It felt good to lose myself in making a character for Steve's rules playtest.  An anonymous play-by-post forum game sounds wonderful right now.  Something new to shake up old habits.

Enough of a break, though.  Tomorrow, I will finish that analysis.

Blue Book 8

-I am becoming a better person.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I want to destroy the facades I've built and just be me.
-I need to stop and think before I act.

Facebook does not allow you to block someone who has already blocked you.  I don't know how I feel about not having the power in that regard, mostly because he could choose to pop up whenever rather than allowing me to choose.

I am terrible at lightening the mood.  I need to figure out how to not be so somber.

I have been so lucky in this life.  I have had very few challenges.  I've had very few deaths to mourn.  I've never really had to want.  It's easy to be optimistic without those life experiences.  It's easy to tramp all over others' wounds.  Remember that, when you start to comfort, relate or otherwise force optimism on people.

The Meeting

They were late, but who am I to fault them for that.  There wasn't really an agenda of things to be spoken about.  She asked if there was anything I wanted or needed to say to her.  I apologized for my lack of thinking, for my failure to tell her what was happening despite having been warned before.  She made it clear that I am not to be alone with him without her express permission, which doesn't really matter, as it's not going to happen at all.  She said she doesn't care about casual group interaction or continued friendship.

He produced a ziplock full of negatives, cut up bits of pink and blue from all three models he shot while she was away.  He allowed me to inspect them.  I did not see any shreds of myself but I was satisfied.  We signed both copies of the contract.  I offered $20 to pay for the film wasted; he refused to take more than $10.  I was given change.

She asked if we were good, if I wanted a hug or something.  I was awkward trying to figure out how to ask if that was really something she wanted to do.  She explained that she felt better about this incident than the last: this was the worst possible thing that could have happened and so much damage and regret and self-reflection came from it that she knew we were over whatever else might happen.  I think forgiveness hurt more than resentment might have.

She and I hugged, and she made fun of my shortness.  She'd been joking through most of it.  He and I hugged, that one-armed thing, and he whispered he was sorry.  We parted ways.

I walked to Starbucks to settle and think a little.  I realized it was getting close to game-on and that there was the possibility of running into them again.  I headed back to the car and left.

At home, I went to remove him from my friends and discovered I had already been blocked.  It seems that Facebook doesn't allow you to block someone who has already blocked you.  I am really uncomfortable with that.  It means that the first blocker has all the power - specifically the ability to pop up whenever they want.  But nothing is ideal.  Just means I have to be ready for it.

The List

Better Person:

• Friend analysis + removal
• Reconnect with friends
• That other analysis
• Make list of things to revisit
• Make list of things worth caring about
• Mend the wound
• Set your boundaries
• Write the confidence rulebook
• Write apologies

General:

• Get up at 8a
• Finish updating craft blog
• Really start making stock
• Start going through stuff to get rid of
• Grad present thank yous
• Taxes/FAFSA
• Apply for scholarships/grants
• Look for internships
• Present proposal to Marita
• Send check to get diploma

Blue Book 7

First day I've been able to relay them all without flipping back to previous pages:
-I want to be a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I want the things I do to have purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to destroy the facades I've built and just be me.

Alright.  It's been a week.  You've identified flaws, ways to deal with them and things you need to do.  It's time to start doing them.  Make a list if you need to.  No, actually, just do it.  Lists make things easier.  Check things off as you go.  Remember that it is an on-going process and that life still goes on in the mean time.

Tomorrow:
-Make list
-Finish analysis (through M)
-Print out agreements
-Finish updating craft blog
-Finish 1 cthulhu
-Meeting

Blue Book 6

-I want to be a better person.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively practice and think about telling the truth to break my habits.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to destroy the facades I've built and just be me.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.

-I've never really given myself boundaries because I wanted to be a person people could feel comfortable talking about anything with.  That backfired.  I need to come up with things I will not talk about or do, and/or things I have to spend considerable time thinking about before committing to them, to give myself more solid ground and to prevent situations such as this one.  A list of flags, as it were.

-I will not try nalbinding coffee cozies until 10 cthulhus are done and ready for May, which cannot happen until I finish my eyebat pillow.  And even then, it will only be one cozy and then back to making crocheted stock.
-Eyebat is done!  It's been a year and eyebat is finally done!

-You don't give off a no vibe.  You're overly pleasant and open to things (save at parties, it seems).  You have to be obvious about your intentions to prevent others' obliviousness from getting you into unwanted situations or misunderstandings.

-You're quick to defend.  It's impossible to know exactly what people want or need to hear.  It's impractical to always give that to them.  Being upfront about your intentions will clarify these situations and prevent arguments/conversations/etc. that are larger or more complex than they need to be.  Immediate facts, not defense, are more effective.

Blue Book 5

-Seeds grow.  You need to get an answer regarding whether or not G set you up with the ring.  It will color the rest of your friendship otherwise.
-Thank the stars that wasn't the case.

-I want to be a better person.

-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.

-I need to actively practice and think about telling the truth to break my current habits.

-I need to actively think about and practice so it becomes habit.

-I need to slow down and think before I act.

-I want to destroy the facades I've hidden behind and just be me.

-Being upfront about certain things isn't what everyone needs.  Remember to be sensitive about others' feelings.

-You haven't considered yourself really and truly single for more than a month or two at a time since high school.  This time has been something you've needed for a long while.  I'm glad you're using it well.

-A key part of interacting with a lot of people has to do with saving face, gritting your teeth and bearing things that are unpleasant.  Remember the tip to treat these situations as though they occur at work.

-M&F don't seem to think that complete removal is necessary and don't seem open to alternating weeks at game.  Is attempting to not engage four hours a week going to jeopardize my attempts to fix this?  Will it leave the door open too much?  If everything else falls as I want but this, will there still be a problem?

-This is why I'll be away for at least a month.  Let things settle, let me figure myself out and strengthen my resolve on the things I change.  I think now that having minimal interaction in a group setting is work-able.  But time will tell.  I will revisit this later as it becomes more relevant.

-F is willing to sign the agreement, however, so that is one positive from the day.

Blue Book 4

-You've become bitter and jaded.  You've allowed others' pessimism and negativity to overtake your optimism and hope.  Neither belief set is completely right, but you have to stick to the one that works for you.

-You've allowed grudges to take root.  Most are for insignificant, petty or past-due offenses - even others' own resentments rather than your own.  Let go of them.  Don't be burdened by them.

-By all means, keep being a jack of all trades, but do work also on becoming a master of at least one.  Have the strength to commit to something - all the way.  Don't half-ass it.  Don't run and don't let go.

-New things and experiences are wonderful, but don't let them prevent you from returning to others that affected and shaped you.  Make a list of these things and revisit them.

-I want to be a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice communication so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I want to destroy the facades I built and hid behind and just be me.
-I need to actively practice telling the truth in different situations so it becomes habit.

What are my habits and activities?
-Nox-nixxed
-Game-pending
-reading
-crocheting
-watching Person of Interest, Elementary, HIMYM and MLP:FiM
For the future:
-exercising (track, biking, walking, just getting out)
-sunning (like dad, but without the sandal tan)
-early rising
-researching and working toward new skills
...I need more creation.  These are all very passive and non-interactive.

-Consider how you feel asking people questions.  Why are you most afraid to ask the ones pertaining to you/your happiness?  Get past that and ask.  Don't drag things out worrying and wondering.

-I am almost completely, 100% oblivious to everything that isn't blatantly stated or otherwise put out there, and to a handful of things that are.  That isn't conducive to living well and minding others and it's not an excuse for anything I get myself into.

-I stopped caring what people thought about me but took it too far in some cases and not enough in others.  I do care what others think about me, especially if it's going to affect more than myself.  I need to figure out what's worth caring about and what I can dismiss.

-You lied today, about having tried something to fix your laptop when you hadn't.  Why?  To end the conversation faster?  That's stupid.  People are less likely to continue if they've found something for you to try.  There was absolutely no point to that.  It was said without thought.  This is what you need to stop.  This is the habit that needs breaking.

-There's a lesson on sticking to your goals.  If you'd gone over at 11 a.m. like you decided you would, you would have gotten free yarn.  An hour later, you get nothing.  But you made the conscious decision to do other errands first along the way, so you planned at least.  It's not all bad.

-I've volunteered to watch Nenya if her parents find themselves in need of a sitter.  This I saw when I first got back home in January and just volunteered for it Friday.
-One of the things that's kept me from falling as fast as I think I would have is working with the kids during the summer.  I had great role models when I was a participant.  I want to continue to be one.  Kids are the easiest reminder that someone is relying on you - you can't ignore them, you can't put them off until later.  You have to figure them out and help them now.  As adults, we don't tend to do that with each other unless it's absolutely necessary.  And that's not saying that I'm putting myself out there for my own benefit, just that I know how I am in those situations and it's better.  It's a win-win.

Blue Book 3

-Goes alongside identifying toxic friends, or harmful/dangerous/stop-and-think friends as I've started using, but who are the people I consider okay that others might be uncomfortable with or uneasy with me spending time alone with?  Make a list, think about it and remember to communicate before leaping.
-I am uncomfortable labeling friends as potentially harmful because of others' uncertainties.  Doing so blindly is ill-informed.  This is a matter you ask opinions on and make the final decision regarding action on your own.

-I predict a full-blown return of my indecisiveness as a result of this process at some point.  Take preventative measures to avert this.

-This is still your life, no one else's, but you need to live it so as to not tax the others you share your life with unnecessarily.

-I want to be a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice communication so it becomes a habit.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I want to destroy the facades I've built and hidden behind and just be me.
-I need to actively practice telling the truth in different situations so it becomes habit.

To Do:
-Prepare information for Monday: agreement, negotiations, removal.

-Find a wider variety of things to occupy your time.  Part of the problem is that you get into habits and close yourself off to other opportunities and activities.  Not all habits are good ones.

Blue Book 2

-Write apologies to the people you have hurt.  Be honest, be humble.  You don't have to send all of them, but you must write them.

-Whoever decided self-confidence is the best thing ever was a moron.  Confidence is part of why this happened.  It doesn't come with a rulebook, SO MAKE ONE YOURSELF.

-I want to be a better person.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to communicate.  I need to actively think about and practice communication so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.  They are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I want to destroy the facades I've built and hidden behind.

-When I am cornered, I bend the truth and lie to lessen or avoid the damage.  Not anymore.

Fix-It List:
-Meeting
-Destroying photographs, getting written/signed agreement that all photos will never see the light of day, providing money for wasted materials
-Removal from my life:
-x-delete phone number
-x-delete email address (which I didn't know I had until I went through my address book to compose a list of friends)
-/-blocking on social networks (G+ done; FB outstanding for negotiations)
-x-stop going to Nox/KoC in general
--negotiate terms of both parties continuing to attend game with minimal to no interaction (alternating weeks or avoiding contact)

-Checking in and updating is going to become a crutch.  I will make a blog to make my thoughts and actions available without actively seeking out guidance in this process.  It's something I have to do.

-I need to start the process of mending the wound that triggered these behaviors.
--talk to mom about it
--talk to dad about it
--recall everything about the event, seek and give apologies and move forward as a family
--consider options for outside help if this doesn't work on my own

-I told someone more than a year ago that they were full of talk, that they needed to start walking.  Thinking doesn't feel a lot like walking in that sense, but for the purpose of figuring myself out, it is the walking.  Thinking and fixing.

First Iteration

There are several things I need to do to fix the problem I've created for myself and this is one of the most important ones.  I give certain types of trust too easily, I don't think more than a couple hours down the line at best and it's come back to bite me and people who care about me in the rear.  So I'm working on this to try and save what little face I can and protect my future and my reputation as much as possible.  It might be too late already.  I'm hoping it's not.  I still need to obtain the opinions and input of the other party involved.  Names and such have been omitted.

Written Agreement

Regarding thirty (30) print photographs plus all digital photographs of model taken by photographer on February 11, 2013 between 10:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.

All photographs and related materials are to be destroyed within three (3) days of signing; they are never to be shared, displayed or otherwise seen or obtained by anyone.  The model has the right to observe the destruction in order to ensure it is satisfactorily performed in accordance with the following terms of this agreement:

Print photographs, the negatives and/or film that produced the photographs are not to be shared in any way with anyone, including but not limited to: turning in as an assignment, gifting, being left where they can be found by others, scanning to digital format, etc.  They are not to be used for anything without the permission of the model.  Print photographs, the negatives and/or film that produced the photographs are to be permanently destroyed; they will be thoroughly shredded, burned, smashed and/or exposed to light to the point they are not recoverable.

Digital photographs and their files are not to be shared with anyone via Internet or mobile network, digital cloud, data drive, disc or other electronic or digital means in existence at the time of signing or in the future.  They are not to be used for anything without the permission of the model.  Digital photographs and their files are to be permanently deleted, to the point they are not recoverable, from the card on which they were saved, and any other location, physical or digital, to which they were transferred.

Violation of these terms will result in a legal suit over the misappropriation of the model’s image and/or likeness without permission.

The model is to provide adequate monetary compensation for film, chemicals and photo paper wasted as a result of these terms within three (3) days of signing.

Day One

Not of the process.  Day one of this problem.

Somewhere along the way, I lost the person I wanted to be.  Thinking this morning, I realized I could pinpoint the moment I stopped caring.  Talking with a friend, I admitted this thought and had a similar story shared with me.  I was told that I wasn't a horrible person, just one with outstanding wounds.  When that wound was inflicted was when I adopted the phrase, "do I care - not enough."  It was when I questioned the purpose of being a good person if I wasn't going to be credited for it by the person who claimed to love me unconditionally.

August 2008, I started attending Pacific University in Oregon.  After something like 15 hours in a car and a couple days setting up my dorm and going through orientation, tension with my parents - specifically my mother - were high.  The last thing on our to-do list was to pick up the books I'd need for my classes.  $600 later, we left the bookstore and were standing outside, looking at the Pacific Avenue side of campus.

My mother asked for a hug.  Dad had pulled me aside earlier that day and explained that she was having a hard time letting go and asked if I could do what she wanted just for another couple hours.  So I did.  I gave her a hug.  And she whispered in my ear, "you're a horrible person."

Despite the tension and the resentment, that statement still came out of nowhere.  So did the shouted accusations that came after it.  Whore.  You're free to fuck whoever you want now.  There were others.  Those are the ones that stuck.

Yes, I was in my first intimate relationship and yes, I was leaving the "nest."  There were grounds for the things she said.  I'd not been a perfect daughter, but I'd always tried to do the things she wanted, how she wanted and this was what I got in return.  This was what my attempt to be a good person warranted.

I didn't realize it then, and I'm not blaming her now, but that was the trigger.  That was when I stopped worrying so much about being the good person I'd been until then.  That was when I started letting myself slide more and more, both on other peoples' expectations and on my own.

Since then, I've driven my first roommate and one of my best friends away.  I've broken four hearts, three to the point I also destroyed the friendship that went with them.  I've drifted away from the groups I'd supported and contributed to.  I've given up asking permission in favor of asking forgiveness.  I've adopted a habit of bending the truth and lying to get out of or lessen punishment and damages when I'm caught doing something wrong or that will be interpreted as bad.  I've stopped thinking about the things I do and their consequences.

Day one was four years ago.  Four years this wound has festered and tainted so many aspects of myself.  Four years I've been inconsiderate of the people I claim to care about.  Four years I've been too bitter and too hurt to really give myself over to anyone.

And then I finally did, finally started giving my heart, and went and screwed up asking forgiveness.  Went and screwed up not thinking.  Went and screwed up lying.  Four years is well long enough to let that go unchecked.  Four years is well long enough to be a horrible person.  I don't want to be the one constantly hurting people.  I'm done.  I'm at the bottom.  It's time to make myself right again, be a good person again.  Someone I can be proud of.  Someone others can trust without a shadow of a doubt.

Hobey ho.

The Letter

After talking with the person I've hurt most recently, I realized just how low I'd sunk.  Examples were given of friends who instantly pointed out that what I've done was stupid.  Those hit hard, but nowhere near as hard as the realization that I was dragging others down with me.  I hadn't even thought about what my words would do to the reputation of my dad.

He's never been particularly close, but he's always been there for me.  Running me around when I had a date to keep.  Driving an hour out of his way to pick up a friend who missed her original flight.  Countless things.

And yet in my attempts at self-preservation, I threw him under the bus without any thought.  Bent the truth of his involvement with the situation and damaged his reputation.  I was alright bringing myself down.  I'm not alright dragging others down with me.  But it took me six hours to figure that out and make the move to make it right.  And that was really what brought me to where I am.

I've been reckless and inconsiderate and immature.  And that's not who I want to be.

So I wrote a letter explaining the truth of the situation, knowing full well it would expose how deceptive I had been, knowing full well that it might be the straw that broke the camel's back, knowing full well what I had to lose - and everything I had to gain from coming clean, everything I had to gain from letting go of that one outstanding untruth, everything it meant to me to not damage another person.

I don't trust me right now, so I hardly expect anyone else to.  I can insist that everything is out in the open, but the words would fall on rightfully untrusting ears.  I've been told by the professors I respect in both my majors that BS is our forte.  "You're a journalist, you should be able to BS forever" and "English majors are capable at creating BS at alarming rates."  Clearly, that was taken to heart.

Not anymore.  Lies and untruths and deception aren't a decent way to live.  It doesn't give me any sort of benefit.  It only serves to harm me and those affected by the things I say.  I'm done lying.  Being completely, 100% truthful may be considered impossible, but that is my goal.  Tell no lies until it's become habit to tell the truth.  And then consider reestablishing a relationship with the what others call little white lies.  Maybe.

Blue Book 1

Starting today, I will be carrying my little blue book.  As things strike me during the day, during the night, during the whenever, I will jot them down.  I will repeat things to drill them into my mind.  I will make to-do lists.  It's for me to take stock and keep order.  It's my place to think and remember.  It's my place to start healing, as will the entries added to this blog.

-I want to be a better person.
-I want to think through the things I do.
-I want the things I do to have a purpose.
-I want to avoid drama as much as possible, causing it or getting involved in it.
-I want to show how intelligent I am.
-I want to give as much to others as they give to me, but not to the point I damage myself.

-I need to do damage control.  Today.
-I need to remove toxic relationships from my life, and minimize potentially harmful ones.
-I need to communicate better and more with the people around me.

-Secrets, intentional or otherwise, don't make or keep friends.

-There is nothing to be gained by hiding what I do.  Do things out loud and own them.
-There is nothing to be gained by avoiding conflict.  That it wrecks havoc on you isn't an excuse.

-Doing things is the only way to own something.  Don't do it tomorrow.  Don't do it someday.  Do it now.  But make sure you know what you're getting yourself into.  The only thing that delays doing is thinking.

-Explain the things you do or think.  Don't just vanish.
-Don't ask forgiveness.  Ask permission.  Check with the people who matter and the people you trust before jumping in.  Ask opinions.  You're not perfect.  Asking a second or third opinion never hurt.

-If you want to escape drama, don't act like you're in high school.  Don't act like the people in college.  Be a god-damned adult.

-Don't be afraid to get dirty.  Don't be afraid to get into the thick of things when you need to.

-And while we're at it, stop eating nothing.  Start exercising again.  It puts you in a much better place than hiding inside all day.  Get up early.  Be social.

-If you're comfortable, you're not doing enough.  Only be comfortable with the people you trust without a doubt.

Before doing something, ask yourself:
-what are my motives?
-what are their motives?
-what are the pros and cons of doing this?
-will this harm me now, down the line, or the relationships I care about?
-will this reflect poorly on myself or others?
-would I advise a friend against this?
-is this a good idea?
-have I considered all angles?

-Lying needs to stop.  You're not five.  Your white lies are bigger than they should be.  You only dig holes deeper.  Be honest.  Period.