The Letter

After talking with the person I've hurt most recently, I realized just how low I'd sunk.  Examples were given of friends who instantly pointed out that what I've done was stupid.  Those hit hard, but nowhere near as hard as the realization that I was dragging others down with me.  I hadn't even thought about what my words would do to the reputation of my dad.

He's never been particularly close, but he's always been there for me.  Running me around when I had a date to keep.  Driving an hour out of his way to pick up a friend who missed her original flight.  Countless things.

And yet in my attempts at self-preservation, I threw him under the bus without any thought.  Bent the truth of his involvement with the situation and damaged his reputation.  I was alright bringing myself down.  I'm not alright dragging others down with me.  But it took me six hours to figure that out and make the move to make it right.  And that was really what brought me to where I am.

I've been reckless and inconsiderate and immature.  And that's not who I want to be.

So I wrote a letter explaining the truth of the situation, knowing full well it would expose how deceptive I had been, knowing full well that it might be the straw that broke the camel's back, knowing full well what I had to lose - and everything I had to gain from coming clean, everything I had to gain from letting go of that one outstanding untruth, everything it meant to me to not damage another person.

I don't trust me right now, so I hardly expect anyone else to.  I can insist that everything is out in the open, but the words would fall on rightfully untrusting ears.  I've been told by the professors I respect in both my majors that BS is our forte.  "You're a journalist, you should be able to BS forever" and "English majors are capable at creating BS at alarming rates."  Clearly, that was taken to heart.

Not anymore.  Lies and untruths and deception aren't a decent way to live.  It doesn't give me any sort of benefit.  It only serves to harm me and those affected by the things I say.  I'm done lying.  Being completely, 100% truthful may be considered impossible, but that is my goal.  Tell no lies until it's become habit to tell the truth.  And then consider reestablishing a relationship with the what others call little white lies.  Maybe.