Regret

Of the apologies I penned, this was the one that hit the most, because the wound is still wide open despite what I or what's almost two years might think.  I feel like I'm cheating or being manipulative saying that there were tears streaming down my face as I wrote this, but I mean nothing by stating that fact, just that I know how much I messed up and that I've let it go on for far too long and that I should have fixed this a lot sooner - even though it's still not being fixed.  Doing so now would be selfish because while I might be ready, I'm not the only one involved.

There are many ways I fucked up with you and I'm not entirely sure where to start.  I could have reacted differently in the van between Walter and Mac that night, laid down the rules and made them crystal.  I know you'd have honored them. 

I could have kept my short-comings to myself rather than prey on your instability and affection.  I should never have initiated whatever it was we had, sharing a bed, regardless of how fond the memories are.  Had I had that willpower, had I not been looking out for my own interests and been able to admit my faults, I wouldn't have let you think it was your fault.  I would have admitted you were right, that the term "using" could be applied to the situation.  Even then, you were unfathomably stronger than me.  Had any of that been the case, I wouldn't have run away from you, blamed you when my bluff was called. 

In all honesty, I'm not sure if I've gotten that in check yet.  And because of it, I voluntarily slammed the door and set fire to the bridge leading to my best friend.  Demonized you when all you wanted was a reason, some semblance of why or, forbid, closure. 

I'm sorry I was the most horrible of friends and preyed on you in a time of greatest need.  I'm sorry I had the gall to let you think it was all your fault.  I'm sorry I ran away, hurling threats and accusations as you tried to follow in your confusion.  I'm sorry I betrayed your trust after pushing so hard for it.  I'm sorry I haven't been there for you through everything the past two years have thrown at you.  I'm sorry the first thing resembling contact was over something so stupid as someone out for revenge.  I'm sorry for clicking the like button by mistake and leaving you to deal with the heart attack and confusion without any sort of reference.  I'm sorry it took two years to write this, and longer before it's actually delivered.  I'm sorry I wasn't the friend you deserved, and for a million other things I did wrong that caused everything to go wrong.

I'd like to think I'm not that toxic person now.  I'd like to think that now I've acknowledged what I've done, I'll be more conscious of it to prevent another occurrence.  But I'm not confident in myself.  And I don't want to cause even more damage trying to make amends before I can promise a clean personality.

Apologies

Eventually you get to that point where all the things rattling around in your head demand to be let out.  That happened a few nights ago and I sat up through the wee hours with a composition book and a blue-inked pen, in a completely different location than I've been, spilling regrets from the past.

And I slept better than I have in months after doing so.

First. 

It all started with you, with the loner no one wanted around because he creeped them out.  I don't even remember how we happened, if track came as a catalyst or as a reaction.  It was just a movie, I thought, not a commitment.  The chocolate Skittles incident should have clued me in. 

But it didn't, or it couldn't override my inability to say no.  I've since fixed that problem of mine.  I know now how unfair that habit was.  We went on three months longer than we should have and the aftermath, the closure, even further beyond. 

I'm sorry that I was your introduction to the world of dating and completely destroyed your trust in people.  I'm sorry I wasn't more considerate of you or of myself.  I'm sorry I hadn't yet learned how to say no and used that as an excuse for the way I handled the end.  You deserved better.  Even if you handled it in your own flawed way.  I hope you have been able to heal.

Funny, transcribing these now, I don't feel they're as powerful as they were when I wrote them.  My guard is up again and I feel the need to make changes to remove more of the blame from myself.  That's something more to work on.

Second. 

I could say you seduced me.  It would be accurate enough.  But that most honest beginning is that I saw you as a savior, an upgrade, a way out.  And I jumped on the opportunity to fix someone.  You were everything my young, romantic self wanted - and much more than I deserved. 

I let you have your way because it was easier than speaking my mind and actually contributing to the relationship.  I let you make the mistake you did the first night in Oregon in October.  I made that mistake many, many times both before and after you. 

I'm sorry I couldn't see you for who and what you were when it mattered most.  I'm sorry I broke your heart because I lacked the willpower over what was newest and in need of the most help.  I'm sorry I broke your mother's heart as well.  Even my thick skull knew immediately that I'd lost more than once incredible person through those selfish actions.  I hope you have found someone who loves you and your quirks and your wonderful family.  I hope you've overcome the odds you were fighting when we were together.

That one felt more real, but maybe it's just the prospect of having them online that's making them seem off.  Maybe it's that they're harsh and cold typed in black and white rather than hand-written in blue cursive.

Third. 

I'm not ready to write an apology to you.  I think of all the mistakes I've made, it's the one I've apologized for most.  You were repetitively unmoved by anything, let alone logic.  You jumped at every possibility to make things worse, rather than looking for the truth.  You found patterns that didn't exist and treated them as absolute fact. 

I've come to the conclusion you'd been looking for an out for a while, and boy did I give you one.  If you weren't feeling it, you're allowed to say as much, rather than wait to blame the other party for the break up.  But then, you never were one to tell me what you wanted, regardless of how many times you made me tell you what I wanted.  I needed that, but I also needed to know your thoughts.  I'm sorry we had a disconnect in our communication.  I don't think that would have saved us, however. 

I hope you and Tina are happy together, that she understands you and you her.  I hope you found some sort of peace with your mother.  I hope your body ceases rebelling, at least to the point residing in it is tolerable.  I hope we can be friends again down the line, when you stop being an unreasonable child about how our final interactions played out.  How I use technology was my ultimate undoing in the end.

Of course, that last bit doesn't really fit with the title of this entry, but it's the sentiments that I want to get across.  I do harbor some hard feelings, but mostly, I'm at peace that we split.  I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect girlfriend you needed and that I opened the door for such a messy break.

Trust 1

I need to establish a baseline.  I'm floundering and trying to figure out how to go about this.  A baseline would be some level of conversation, hanging out, sharing things; just a general measure of being in each others' lives.  You can't trust someone who isn't there.

Tomorrow:
-Make appointment
-Make FB group
-Bag up meds/chapstick
-Cozy blueprints

Blue Book 18

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to be more open and forward with people, especially those I trust.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I need to actively think about and practice honesty so it becomes habit.

It was there, your opportunity to give up, say fine and walk away and hope it would work out.  That was the opening you've been taking as of late.  But you didn't.  You stuck around and tried.  You found how to continue with the conversation despite potential difficulty or conflict.  It's felt like you haven't been doing much, but that's a definite sign changes are taking place.

You've also been trouble-shooting, helping others and asking for help.  Prodding at Fanime (next steps: call, visit office, pester convention center), even if it's been unsuccessful so far.  You've submitted at least four  tech support tickets this week alone, opting to deal with people and fix a problem rather than letting it sit (Livemocha, Pokemon.com, Entertainment Weekly and one other not coming to mind...).  You tried to guide Holly through fixing her laptop, which seems to have done the same thing Tiny Laptop did in Japan.  Futile effort, but it helped keep her calm.  You're DOING more.

Time to pick up the pace on the analysis.  It needs to be done and at least in the beginning stages of discussion by the end of the month.

Tomorrow:
-Pie, because it's necessary
-Two cozies
-One Hungarian lesson
-Review to-do lists
-Exercise of some sort

Friend Analysis

I finished going through the almost 300 people I know/consider friends/acquaintances earlier this week and finally removed almost 70 a couple days ago.  It was really a great experience, not because I was dropping relationships that weren't healthy, but because letting go is something I've never been good at.  I've always given more chances than people deserved, or just hoped that the relationship would magically become something better than it was.  Part of learning how to move past that is letting go and that's why it felt so good to do this.

Out of 298 people:
-65 were dropped
-14 were identified as harmful
-43 were identified as beneficial
-18 were identified as keepers

Of the remaining 158:
-39 were neutral
-35 were from game
-36 were from work
-25 were family
-10 are on hold
-12 should be reconnected with

Those 158 whose reading wasn't clear enough to make a decision over are people I'll be looking at closer.  A lot of the neutrals will probably end up being dropped.  A good portion of the game, work and family groups will probably end up being dropped.  I don't need to collect friends.  I don't need to spread myself out trying to please people who will only take what is given and offer nothing in return.

What surprised me most was how many flat-out keeps there were.  Aaron, Ashleigh, Ashley, Cecely, Chris G, Holly, Jazmin, Jessica, Josh, Katie, Misty, Mel, Noelle, Preston, Rachel, Renee, Steve, Weston.  Six men, 12 women.  Nine from college, three from high school, four from middle school, two from earlier.  Eight I speak to on a regular/semi-regular basis, eight I speak to a couple times a year, two I need to reconnect with.  Of these, I would consider four people I trust without question; two women and two men.

Going through this has taught me that I need to be more open with people, that a lot of the time they need to hear where they're screwing up and where they're doing great.  It's reminded me that people can't read minds, no matter how heavily assumed such an ability is today.

Blue Book 17

-I am becoming a better person.
-I need to be more open, forward and engaged with people, especially those I trust.
-I want the things I do to have purpose; they are thoughtless actions otherwise.
-I need to actively think about and practice communicating so it becomes habit.
-I need to actively think about and practice telling the truth and fact-checking so it becomes habit.
-I need to slow down and think before I act.
-I am destroying my facades and being me.

I am not a reacher.  I have never been a reacher, or else given up very quickly after dejection.  I keep saying that I need to reconnect with people.  I've always said that.  It's been 2 years since I got back from Japan and I've not attempted to contact my host family once.  If the people in your life mean anything to you, you have to show them that.  You have to tell them, show them, engage with them.  Just as you don't read minds, neither do they.  Find things to talk about.  Figure out how to keep the conversation going.  If it dwindles, try, but don't force it.  Try again another time to show dedication.  You've been trying to simply say things without giving in to filters and fears.  Keep doing that.  Not saying anything, whatever the reason, isn't an option.  Play up the things you think others don't find exciting.  Express your joy in the things you love.  Ask about the things you know they've been working toward.  Seek people out, don't be sought out.  Make it a race, even, if you need a boost to start.

Apparently blocking someone doesn't automatically unfriend them on Facebook.  Not knowledge I think will ever be relevant to me, but still good to know.  The unblocking also brought up the question of my opinions on blocking people.  I don't like to unless it's something that absolutely needs done.  Partially for the reason of giving the other person the chance to question why our friendship has faltered.  Partially because I see it as a shut door - and if you're just going to keep opening and closing it, it loses value.  I would rather simply avoid someone than block them out completely if it's not a super-major-huge offense because blocking sends that message of finality.  And even if other people don't see it that way, I do, and that's how I'll continue to operate with it.

Tomorrow:
-Analysis stats
-Finish cthulhu 10, update blog
-1-2 hours Hungarian
-First attempt at nalbinding?

To Revisit

Things I've experienced that have really meant something to or changed me that I haven't experienced recently, that I would like to pick up again.  I don't know exactly what I want to get out of it, but I imagine it would mostly be an experiment about putting myself back in that mindset, sort of resetting, and seeing what my reaction is now, years later.

Shows:
Ranma 1/2
Yu Yu Hakusho
Fullmetal Alchemist
Death Note

Books:
Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer
View from the Mirror by Ian Irvine
Pendragon by D.J. MacHale
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Movies:
The Wizard of Oz
Jurassic Park
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
To End All Wars
Usual Suspects
Finding Forrester
Dead Poets Society
Good Morning Vietnam

Music:
'80s pop
Backstreet Boys
M2M
Dido
Anna Nalick
YYH themes + OSTs

Games:
Pokemon Yellow
Pokemon Silver
Pokemon Sapphire
King's Game

Activities:
Running
Skyhigh
Mini golf
Baking
Writing
Pool party
Visiting the library
Event planning/organizing